Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Being Confident In Who You Are

Confidence, especially in who you are is a very and extremely important thing to have, especially as a woman in this society. People always tell us to be beautiful (because apparently that is how women are supposed to be), but being a woman is more than that. Confidence is being able to have full trust and belief (especially in oneself). We call that self-confidence and that is just as important. Lack of self-confidence is a whole another story. In other words, if you do not have self-confidence, that is no good. Being strong, confident, and working hard all go hand in hand.

Some people might say that having confidence can make you an ego maniac and arrogant (in fact, I think the word people might use in this instance is the b**** word). That is by the way not a nice word to use (at least in my books). In my mind there is nothing wrong with being overly confident (even in Demi’s song “Confident”, she asks “What’s wrong with being confident?) The answer to that question is absolutely nothing. I would rather be viewed as overly confident, rather than not having any confidence (trust me when I say that we can all work on our confidence). We should never have to worry if other people like us or not (it is not our responsibility to make them like us to begin with). This is the perfect moment to bring up a quote. “Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you’re better than everyone else, it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anybody else to begin with.” I know that I have talked about never comparing yourself to other people and that is almost exactly what the right confidence does (which is not being better than anybody else).

That is why I have good role models who are confident like Beyoncé and Demi Lovato. They really do not care who likes them. I think it is because they have so much confidence in themselves that they really stop caring about others (and that does not make them selfish). They are strong, confident, independent and hard working women. In fact, besides Demi, Beyoncé has written some pretty wonderful songs about that, including “Singe Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” I just recently got her “Lemonade” album (just a little while ago) and I absolutely love it. Sure, she put her marriage on blast, but she sings a lot about what it is like to being a strong, independent, and confident woman (especially as an African American woman). I like her songs such as “Freedom” (with Kendrick Lamar) and “Formation,” but one of my favorite is “Six Inch” (which has inspired this poem that I have included down below in this post). In this song (if you really listen to the lyrics) she talks about working hard for the money. One of my lines in this song is “Six inch heels, she walked in the club like nobody’s business/
Goddamn, she murdered everybody and I was her witness.”

I decided to channel my inner Beyoncé and wrote this poem because Beyoncé is so inspirational. It helped to channel my inner persona (almost like a diva or an ego kind of in a sense). When I posted this piece as a member of Deep Underground Poetry (a writing community), a person who commented on it brought up a quote (a good one that is now one of my favorites) by Anaïs Nin. She says “The first time he looked at her he felt: everything will burn.” So I hope that my readers (and everybody else) will channel their inner Beyoncé (or whoever they look up to) and having tons of self-confidence.

Working Hard

She can set everything on fire,
But she would never stop and take
Notice. She only feels her own desire

For success. She wants to make
Every man feel weak and powerless.
She is never the one who will fake

Her own confidence. She is the mess
And chaos. She is also the calm
And will never be the one to confess

Her sins to the greedy. Her palm
Faces up not to surrender, but to
Help those who need it. She is a bomb

In the making, never taking shit from you
Because she is built from the ground
Up. Do not run to her when you screw

And mess it all up because she is bound
To not care about your pathetic excuses.
She is death, quiet without making a sound.

She never apologizes for her bruises
Or ugly scars. You should be the one who
Is running scared. She chooses

To see her life from the top window and view
Without being selfish. She works hard for
The money. She sees past everything that blew

Up. She has made the choice to restore
Her own happiness, trust and faith.
I caution you to think extremely hard before

She comes to destroy you like a wraith.
She does not float in the light like a halo,
But she also refuses to forever bathe

In the darkness like a lost child with yellow
Hair like the sunlight. Watch out for the
Lava that is coming out of her like a volcano.

Having a Kind Heart/Showing Kindness

I get it, we all have days where ugliness/meanness rears its head and sometimes we are just mean to other people. I think in today’s world there a far fewer days where we are kind towards each other. Ellen DeGeneres always says (at the end of her show) to be kind to one another. Why do we have to be kind towards one another? Honestly, a lot of the time it is easier to be kind to another. In fact, it should be one of the simplest things in this big world. Think about it…What feels and looks better, being kind towards someone else or saying something unkind. Besides, it does not feel good and takes up a lot of negative energy. Yeah, I know that some people do not deserve kindness, (in fact there could be a lot of people out there in the world like that) but they might just be having a terrible day or need someone to say something nice or for someone to smile at them.

Whenever we have our bad days sometimes we take it out on other people and I know that is not right, but sometimes that is the only way we know how to deal/cope with it. Try doing or saying at least one kind/nice thing day each day. I know it may seem challenging/daunting, but at least give it a try. I challenge each and every one of my readers plus everybody else out there to be much nicer. We all deserve kindness, regardless if we think we deserve it or not.

If you are naturally a kind person, do not let anybody else take that away from you. I naturally smile (it is a habit, maybe because I do it a lot, sometimes that helps me cope with something terrible) and people always wonder why I do. I do not know, but I should not let that be taken away from me. I always try to be nice to other people (partially because my parents raised me that way), but because it is who I am. Kindness goes hand in hand with being compassionate. It seems like such a strong word and it is. This world needs way more compassion too. So I encourage everybody to show compassion and kindness. We all need more of it.

I will finish this post by including a quote right here (there is also a poem to follow this quote) all about compassion and why we need it. There are so many good quotes about this topic, but this is by far one of the best ones I have found. This quote is said by L.R. Knost. He says the following “It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” We have to show kindness, not only for ourselves but for every kid because we need to be really good role models. And like I have said before, here is my poem about showing some kindness.

Show Kindness

This big world is far too cruel for

Mean words and unkind actions. Keep

Your heart open to kindness before

 

You become too hard. Let is all seep

Into your bones to smile and laugh

When we all have bad days. A deep

 

Connection is craved. Avoid the half

Truths and pretend smiles. Be real.

Be honest. Keep a faded old photograph

 

In your pocket. Never let anyone steal

Your happiness and faith. Do not let

The rest of the world tell you what to feel.

 

Even the small things you worry and fret

About are out of your control. Never wait

For things, both big and small that have

 

Yet to happen. Never let fear, obstacles or hate

Get in your way. You are meant to be wild,

Silly, crazy, goofy and without the weight

 

On your shoulders. Never be tame or mild.

Be reckless, be bold and be brave. Keep

Them wondering why you always smiled.

Hard Times and Struggling

There are many moments (in our life) where we struggle and have difficult times. Some last a short while, but others last a whole lot longer. I found this amazing quote that I believe sums it all up. “Embrace the struggle and let it make you stronger. It won’t last forever” (said by Tony Gaskins). In other words, do not let your struggles or hard times keep you from breaking down and being weak. Every struggle and hardship is supposed to make you stronger/unbreakable. There is this saying that says that you have to go through the bad times before you can get to the good times. That is just how life works. You may try to blame other people or things that just go wrong, but you have to remember that you are the one who are going through these hard times and nobody else.

I get that life is not always fair, but that is just how life goes. We all have our ups and downs (sometimes a lot more downs), but we cannot allow them to dictate our life. I am in my 20s and still struggling, but at least I am trying to rebuild my life. In fact, I have been trying to rebuild my life since I finished college a few years ago. The good thing about rebuilding your life is that you get to decide who you want to be and what you want to do with your life. I was explaining this to a friend of mine (about rebuilding my life) and she put it in a great way (that I have never really though about before). She said “Everybody goes through those phoenix stages, burning up and starting over again.” I feel like that is a great metaphor, not only for my life, but for those around me because we all go through those stages in life. To quote the ever wonder Maya (again) from one her most famous pieces “Still I Rise,” she says “But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”

Regardless whatever hardship or obstacle or whatever storm comes your way, I promise you that you will eventually get through it. So this piece goes to all my readers who are having hard times and who are struggling (in whatever capacity). May you as Maya and I say…”Still I Rise.” May we all be phoenixes and continue to get through our hardships and times of struggle by rebuilding our lives (sometimes from the ground up). We will eventually find ourselves.

Like a Phoenix

Always keep walking on with your head

Held high up like a queen on her mission.

Even if you are going through bad times

 

Remember that life is like an audition.

It is all trial and error in life. Although

You want to mope, show your ambition

 

And do not let anyone dull your glow.

We are all phoenixes rising up from

The ashes. We all continue and plough

 

On through uncertainty. Stand firm

Through all the fire, rain and every storm.

I know you are stronger than every crumb

 

And rock below your feet. You will transform

Into something magnificent and wonderful, my

Dear. I can promise you that. Do not be lukewarm.

 

When the dusty ashes will be settled and be dry,

Then you will be beginning to rebuild your life

From the ground up. You are meant to soar and fly.

Being Thankful and Grateful

It is hard to believe that November is coming to an end (pretty soon I might add) and it is that time of year when we start to think about all the things we are grateful/thankful for (mostly because of Thanksgiving). Thanksgiving dates back a long time ago in our history when the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, but I do not know the exact history. When I look up the definition of Thanksgiving in the dictionary, it defines Thanksgiving as “the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God” (dictionary.com). I personally do not think of Thanksgiving as a religious holiday (as someone who comes from a non-practicing and non-religious family although I am Catholic/Jewish). I just think of it as another holiday to celebrate with loved ones with lots of food and laughter.

Being thankful and grateful should never have to be religious (and it should not be forced upon anybody as such).  Even though I think about all the things I am thankful for (and trust me, I have a lot of things I should be thankful/grateful for), I also think about those who may not be as lucky (like those who are living on the streets or those who are alone without family and friends). The other part of Thanksgiving is the giving part. You can never do wrong by giving (and I know that is something I can work on it). As much as we want to complain/argue about the things we do not have, we should not have to focus on those things. It is all a part of being thankful/grateful for the things we already have. There is this quote I found (in the spirit of Thanksgiving that is coming up this week). “Give thanks with a grateful heart” (Thessalonians 5:6).

So I hope that all my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving (no matter where you are or who you celebrate it with). I just want to take this moment to thank all of the people who have continuously supported me and for all the things I am lucky to have (like endless love from my family and friends), a roof over my head, laugher, clothing, and food to eat. I hope that everybody realizes that there is always something (no matter how big or small it might be) to be thankful/grateful for. Demi is the one who says that (although the quote is really said by Oprah Winfrey) “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” And in this poem I echo a key part from Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman.” P.S. I just want to give a special shout out to K (wherever this person is) because although we have had our ups and downs I am still truly grateful/thankful for having you in my life.  

A Taste of Freedom and Thankfulness

A phenomenal woman, words
Echoed by my hero, Maya Angelou.
Fly home free like the birds.

You are every color, shade and hue
Of the rainbow. Never let the rest
Of the world keep you sad and blue.

Be continuously thankful and blessed
For everything you could ever possess.
Love, family and friends. Drive out west

Where you can taste freedom and say yes.
See every sunset and count all of the stars.
Remember every soft touch and caress.

Live life and sit on the handlebars
Instead of sitting in the passenger seat.
Nobody would be pointing at your scars

From every scrape and bruise. Defeat
All the haters and all of the doubt.
Never let anybody or anything mistreat

You or your trust. You should shout
It out from the rooftops because that is
Who you are and what you are all about.

Election Aftermath

Election night was absolutely crazy (Trump won). I will put it out there that I was not happy about the results (my family and I are Hillary Clinton supporters). Most of all I am concerned (not only for myself because I am a woman) for people of all different races, sexual orientation, and disabilities. Trump is one of those people who creates hatred and a sense of “white power.” His running mate (Mike Pence is no better). People can disagree with me all they want around this (and I do not want to get into any political arguments).

I am also concerned for the next generation (for those boys and girls) who watch what was on TV (around the election coverage and debates) and see that someone (especially a woman) could not become the first (female) President of the United States. Electing this man as our president sends the wrong message to our children. They would think it is okay to say cruel remarks towards women. They would think it is okay to mock people with disabilities. They think it would be okay to call Mexicans “rapists” and “criminals.” They would think it is okay to ban Muslims from entering this country and getting rid of illegal immigrants.

He wants to make this country “great” again, but he and his supporters (and those who elected him) are making everybody afraid (especially those who fit in one of those categories I was just talking about). I wish that I could give Trump the benefit of the doubt, but I cannot. I do hope that we can all rally (continuing these peaceful protests) and just hope (for the sake of our children) that we can do something for this country (in a productive way), especially if you are feeling hopeless after this election cycle.

I want to give hope to everybody and please do not ever get discouraged. And if you ever continue to see or feel hatred I found a quote for you. “When you see hatred, ignorance, and racism, stare it in the face. It probably won’t have the courage to look back.” As Hillary said in her concession speech, “I have, as Tim [Kaine] said, spent my entire adult life fighting for what I believe in. I’ve had successes and I’ve had setbacks, sometimes really painful ones. Many of you are at the beginning of your professional, public, and political careers. You will have successes and setbacks, too. This loss hurts, but please never stop believing that fighting for what’s right is worth it. It is, it is worth it.” I hope that people realize that (at least some of us) are still with her (no matter what). So let us keep fighting, hoping, and getting us back on our feet. That is all we can do at this point because it is not only about us, but it is also about the next generation as well. Cheers and remember that although we want to mope (trust me, it could happen) do not stay in that state forever. Good days are ahead of us (also said by Hillary).

Only Love and Hope

There is no room for hatred in

This world. Do not dislike me

Or anybody else because we all

Have different skin colors. I may

Not pray to the same God as you.

I may not face or know the same

Hardships as other people. Many

Generations have come to this

Country for a new beginnings

And change. Now we have to say

Some of it is not possible. We have

To show and tell our children that

It is possible, but how can we do

That if a woman cannot become

President of the United States?

So much for freedom. We live

On and continue to fight.

Saying Sorry

I could not wait for another full week before posting this one because it is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind these days. It is taking a lot of pride and courage to say what I am about to say… I have to be brutally honest and this is something I am working on a lot these days. I am talking about this issue because it just came up with a friend and someone else that I know (I am not naming any names for their protection, but I hope that they are reading this). Everybody who really knows me know and understand that I am a nice person (or at least I try to be). I am also one of those people who do not get mad or angry all that much (well I do sometimes, but I keep it in).

One thing I have been working on is apologizing when I get angry and take it out on someone when we both know they did not deserve it. Like I said before, this just recently happened with one of my good friends. I do not want to make any excuses, but sometimes things build up and you lash out on people. On the flip side, people have to tell me (especially right away) if I make them angry, upset or sad because I cannot always read people and it would be better if they tell me about it rather than telling other people or just straight up not telling me (even if I get defensive which does happen). I know other people feel this way too and we can all work on it, I promise.

I know that I feel appreciative when people apologize and say sorry to me because it shows me they care enough so I know other people would appreciate the same when I do the same. I just want everybody to realize that yes, there are times when you need to apologize for some mistake that you made (even if you do not know what exactly you did or even if it is a small mistake), but do not feel like you need to apologize when you are being yourself. There is a big difference between the two. There is this quote I found to sum it all up perfectly. “You will always be too much of something for some people: too big, too loud, too soft, too emotional, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you will lose your edge. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone…profusely. But do not apologize for being who you are.”

So I urge my readers to apologize for something that they did, no matter how big or small. Sometimes you did not mean to do it intentionally. It happens to all of us, even to the really good people. Forget about your pride and ego because it is not always about you, it is about the other person and making sure they know how much you care. If you or they do not care, then why does it matter? Some relationships and friendships (especially with loved ones) are far more important than others. People need to realize that more. Here is a poem, written as an apology for everybody (including those who I have unintentionally hurt). Nobody is ever weak (especially in these particular moments). Just know that it is never okay to intentionally hurt someone (no matter if they deserve it or not).

Being Sorry

Wounded ego and pride.

Forget about my feelings

And be able to put them aside.

 

I am the one who is healing

Someone else rather

Than just myself. Revealing

 

Myself is hard. I want to gather

You up close to my heart so you

Hear sincerity. You are my brother

 

And my blood sister too

So I feel sorry. Anger is no

Excuse for bidding you adieu

 

For good. I hope I do not blow

This opportunity with you because

You have always meant so

 

Much to me, no matter is every vase

Has shattered into thousands of small

Pieces. I do not want to cause

 

You any more pain. For all

Of the things I have said and

Done I apologize for hitting the wall.

Getting to Know Each Other

“Knowing a person is like music, what attracts us to them is their melody, and as we get to know who they are, we learn their lyrics.” It is often the case that when we first meet someone we want to get to know them very well. It is just natural instinct to have (and there is nothing wrong with it). I see it as being curious because you want to know more about them and who they are as a person. We have to spend time and get to know someone even if it is scary or intimidating. I know that we are not supposed to make judgements about other people, but those could wait until you really get to know someone super well. Only then can you decide if you want to be friends with this person, something more, or nothing at all.

You could have known this person for days, weeks, months, years and yet you still may not know everything about that person. That is perfectly okay because while people may be getting to know each other in a short amount of time, for other people it takes a longer amount of time, especially if you see yourself with this person intimately. Honestly, I want to get to know someone before deciding if I want some kind of relationship (even a friendship) with them. There is this study I found online (especially for couples) that says it takes 2 to 4 years to getting to know someone completely. For example, I have known this one person since high school. We never really hung out until recently (just last year when we reconnected). I have still been trying to get to know this person and I have been letting this person get to know me as well.

So I encourage my readers (and everybody else out there) to getting to know other people and never being afraid of asking difficult questions. We are social people and have interaction with people on a daily basis (unless you live in complete isolation). The truth is that we are getting to know each other (regardless if we already know this person or not). Sometimes we have to get to know someone all over again too (meaning the same person again). Be brave, be curious, and be fearless. Do not be afraid to go on a deeper level with someone. We are caring people (on the surface and deep down inside). It is all a part of living and being human.

Getting to Know Each Other

Know her for more than the girl
Who laughs and smiles all the time.
Nobody knows that she bangs her
Head against the wall, trying to make
Sense of the injustice of the world.
She is also trying to make sense of
You because the confident person
She used to know is no longer there
Anymore. You are replaced by
Someone who is unsure and
Unconfident. She cannot be there
For you anymore than she can
Be there for herself. She wants you
To let her in past the wall you keep
Building higher up every time.
Let her in because you know deep
Down that you should trust her.
She cannot let you lead yourself off
The ledge like that anymore. She is
Never careless or selfish. If anything,
She cares too much and that is how
She gets hurt. She trusts too easily
And knows that she deserves the best
Only because she has been through
The worst. You may see her as blessed,
Lucky and with the world below
Her feet, but she does not view herself
The same way. Just like she thinks there
Are better things ahead for you when
You think you are no good and unloved
Person. Let her get to know you just like
She wants you to get to know her.
She knows that she is imperfect and is
Not ordinary just like you are not
Just any ordinary person.

Being Normal

Who in their right mind would tell people to be normal? What does normal even mean. When I look it up in the dictionary (or on dictionary.com), one of the definitions that it gives is the following. “Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.” So in other words it is not anything weird or unstructured. Pardon my language, but screw being normal. In my mind, being normal is a waste of time. Yes, some things are meant to be normal or regularly structured, but a lot of things (in fact, pretty much everything else) is not meant to be normal.

I have opened up before and shared some of the challenges I have had with my learning disability. For those of you who do not know about my LD (learning disability) I am going to describe some of the history behind it. When I was born, I was diagnosed with a loosely defined “hypotonia” (also known as low muscle tone). I did not know how to use my muscles to walk and talk (in fact my parents thought I would never be able to talk). I have a hard time receiving and understanding information. I also have short term memory issues. Here I am 25 years later after going through many years of speech and occupational therapy. I was also in special education up until I was in middle school (and I graduated from special education in middle school). I am truly thankful for the countless amount of support I had to get over my learning challenges (and I still have many challenges to this very day too). That list includes my parents (because they were very much new in learning about this), my speech and occupational therapists, as well as my teachers and everybody else who I forgot to mention before.

I felt like it was important to share some of the history behind my LD because I hope people begin to understand me better, but also because my learning disability is a part of my own normal. In fact I have a shirt that says “Be your own normal.” I used to be a little embarrassed by my LD because I did not want to get any special treatment and I wanted to be just like everybody else. I do not think that it was until in high school and college that I began to embrace it because I realized that my LD is a huge part of who I am. So when people say to be normal or be like other people, I really want to say screw it.

Yeah, there are people who are like me (with their disability and challenges), but in my mind everybody has their own definition of “normal.” I cannot help but be weird and unordinary (so what?) That is what people should really like about you, that you are like nobody else. There is this quote by Dr. Seuss that says “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” And I really have to agree with him. If everything was normal and everybody fit in, what is the point? This world would be too normal and too ordinary. No, that will not work.

I know that I have said a lot in this post, but that is because this subject is very important to me. You really should not listen to other people and what they have to say anyways. I do have one more quote to share before I include the poem for this post. This is a quote that I find highly motivating and in part, has inspired me to write this poem. The quote by the way is by Michelle Rose Gilman (she has become one my role models and she is a huge inspiration to me as a woman. She has her own business called Well-Heeled Warrior). “She had a gypsy soul and warrior spirit. She made no apologies for her wild heart. She left normal and regular to explore the outskirts of magical and extraordinary.” Here is the poem, now included. I hope that my readers enjoy. Here is one last reminder for my readers and everybody else and that is to not be afraid to find your own normal because like I said before everybody has their own definition of normal. I hope that everybody embraces who they truly are. Cheers!!!!
Her Own Normal

She never wanted to be normal. What she wanted
Was to be wild and crazy, but in her eyes that was
Perfectly okay. It was never in her blood

To have a calm heart. She did not want applause.
She always wanted to roam and be set free.
She did not care if people’s jaws

Hit the floor or not. She wanted to be airy
And full of light. She still had this fire to her
That nobody else had. She wanted so badly

To prove people wrong. She had this desire to stir
Everything up until everything became so mixed
And jumbled together so that everything became a blur.

She is not looking to be mended or fixed
So she can look like everybody else. She is meant
To be broken and tangled. She always nixed

The idea of being completely normal. She is spent
And tired of living up to all the high standards.
She wants every part of life to have a dent

And cracks. She did not want to go backwards
In time when the past is in the past and she
Was never looking for the correct answers.

She is not looking for mistakes. She just wanted to be
A part of something new, fresh and out of the box.
That woman will always be the whole part of me.

Running Away

When we are kids, didn’t we (at some point) have the urge to run away? I sometimes had that urge as a kid, but I have that feeling more as an adult (honestly more than I did when I was a kid). There is word for that urge, which in this  case is an overwhelming urge (I just recently learned about this word) and it is “drapetomania.” Running away is such a strong image. People think of running away when things get tough, difficult or challenging. Some people even have the urge to run away to get away from the same old thing every day and they are sick of it. That is why some people (including myself) like travelling. We use it as a way of escape.

Another reason why people want to run away is to see if anybody truly cares about us because in our minds if people really care about us they would chase after us (something seen in a lot of romance books and movies) or would not want us to run away. However, this part of running away becomes difficult because sometimes the people who care about us (the most) urge us maybe not so much to run away (especially forever), but to run away and travel the world especially. What I want in my life is for people to urge me to not so much run away, but to start walking and enjoying everything. Those are the people who really care about us. Running away in a sense has a lot to do with rushing (another closely related topic that I have talked about in another one of my blog posts).

I was recently reading a wonderfully written book (titled “All For Anna”). It was written by Nicole Deese. It is a heart wrenching book, mostly about loss, but also about hope. I was reading that book and it inspired me in part to write this particular blog post for my readers. In the book, one of the main characters, Victoria, deals with a tragic loss of a young girl named Anna (I do not want to give too much away), but Victoria uses running (in the literal sense) as a coping mechanism. That is what I think about when it comes to running and I like I have said before we use it as a way to get away from our problems and our pain that we try to deal with on a daily basis.

I want to encourage my readers that it is okay to have that urge to run away, but do not run away from your problems because that will get you nowhere. Sometimes you are even lucky enough to find someone who will run away with you. It reminds me of this quote. “Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will come after you.” Keep strong and hang in there!

Running Away

I am taking off and trying to run

Away as far as I possibly can.

I want to go towards the sun

 

And throw away the set plan

As I go there. I want you to come

With me because it is better than

 

Being alone. Every crumb

We leave behind does not matter.

It brings me comfort with your thumb

 

Against my cheek. Let the ashes scatter

And for me to stop running. I want to

Start walking and to enjoy the splatter

 

Of the colors of the sunset that skew

With my head no longer. Every piece

Of rubble is another reminder for you

 

And I to slow down. Let us cease

This disarray and getting away

From our problems. Every crease

 

Is old and boring. I want you to stay

With me for this long journey

Ahead of us. Nothing should weigh

 

Heavily on our minds. Our worry

Goes out the window along with

Everything else. Let the unworthy

 

Things go. I am no wordsmith

To explain the things in my head,

But everything is more than a myth.

 

I want to leave my same old bed

Behind and sleep in a brand

New place. This new thread

 

We are walking on feels like sand

Beneath our feet. It is no small

Defeat to walk and to stand

 

Among those who saw me as a doll.

I am not breakable and I will not crack.

Do not back me up against the wall

 

Otherwise I will let everything black

Out and fade away. Then I will

Never be willing to ever come back.

Turning 25

Hi everybody. Sorry I have not written for a while (things have been way crazy with the start of classes and all of that). I just celebrated turning 25 (just a couple of weeks ago). For some reason I was really dreading turning 25 this year, in part because 25 is another important age for me and maybe my life is not as together as I thought it was going to be at this age (also 25 is making me feel a little bit old these days). I also thought 18, 21 and now 25 are important ages because in my mind they signify something. Birthdays have come and gone in the past, but this one hit me a lot harder than some of the others.

I was talking to a lot of people about feeling mixed about turning 25 this year (including my therapist who I see once a month). I thought that I would be in a stable job and relationship. I also thought that I would have a better sense of my life and when I fast forward to when I actually turned 25, I have no job (at least not yet) and I do not have a steady/serious relationship with any guy (not yet). I was having pretty high expectations about where my life is going versus where it is not going. My therapist pointed out that I have to throw out my rules and expectations about turning 25 (because they do not need to be applied to my life).

There is at least a few life lessons to be learned here. The first one is to throw out the rules and just enjoy your life wherever you are. The second thing to remember is that age does not matter. The third is to experience the lows, but do not forget to experience the highs too. There is no set rules or expectations of where your life should be and pay no attention to those who are way ahead of you (they are a completely different kind of people). This is a perfect moment to mention a quote (that I just recently found) to sum up what I mean. “Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed. Remember that.” Sometimes when I get discouraged, I have to remember how far I have come.

I hope that all of my readers embrace all that they have accomplished and remember that we all have our whole life ahead of us (especially when we are young). I hope that you enjoy this poem that I have included below. It serves as a reminder and that we are not alone (when it comes to being in a dark place). Hold on tight.

Leave Me Here

The water is swallowing me up whole
And I am left without enough oxygen to
Breathe. I fight to keep my control,

But I want to fade away and turn blue
Because I am tired of being everyone
Else’s anchor. I am done being the glue

To hold everything together. Take the gun
And shoot me in the heart because I would
Rather die than live in misery. Take the sun

Away because I want to sink to where I should
Be, at the bottom surrounded by complete
Darkness and blackness. I am just driftwood

And utterly useless. I am not tidy or neat.
I would rather be messy and bloody so that
I can be ignored or passed by on the street

Without a second glance. I could be flat
Like a cardboard box and you would still never
Look my way. Hit me right in the gut

And it is guaranteed to hurt. It is better to sever
This while we still can rather than regretting
It all in the end. I would never have to endeavor

Or burden anybody again. You will be forgetting
Me soon enough just like everybody else has. So
While you are the one who is jetting

Off somewhere else and new, I want you to show
Me that I am right by leaving me here to wilt away
Just like everything else. I want to feel the low.