Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

True Colors

Everybody knows that song by Cyndi Lauper “True Colors.” If you do not what I am talking about, the chorus goes something like this:

“And I’ll see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that’s why  love you

So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful

Like a rainbow…”

Of course seeing someone’s true colors is not always that bright and peachy. We wish it would happen that way, but the truth is that it does not. I have to admit that I learned it the hard way. Sometimes you have to be careful when someone shows you more than two versions of themselves. There is usually one version of themselves when they are out in public in front of others and then the other version of themselves is when they are in a private place or with loved ones they trust. Then there are some people (a rare coincidence I believe) who are always the same. Some people have a need to hide behind masks, but that is for another time.

One of the worst parts is when you get to know someone and you think you know their true colors, when the truth is that you do not. That is one of the worst feelings in the world and trust me, I know that all too well. There is this quote by Maya Angelou (one of my favorite people who sadly passed away at least a few years ago) and she says “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I love that quote and I have kept it close to my heart after one of my aunts told me this quote (I did not know that it was Maya at the time). I want people (who are reading this) to keep that quote in mind because there will be a time where you come across a person like that. I know it is hard, but you have to believe them the first time because you may try to deny it all you want, but that is who they are. People have to be careful because there could be that one person who they love and admire so much, but it may be a different story when you get to know them in a more private setting. All of a sudden, they are a completely different person and they are not always who they are cracked up to be.

I hope my readers keep this in mind as sometimes word travels around and you have to think about who to trust. The people around town? Yourself? Or the person you thought you knew? I hope that everybody chooses wisely and keep believing in whoever you trust the most. I know that I have said before that everybody has imperfections, but sometimes you cannot get past them. So this goes out to my readers, whoever you are. I that you all find someone who is not afraid to share their true colors with you and I hope that you are able to do the same with them (as long as it is safe and healthy). The person (or in this case I think it might be plural) who I wrote this about is a combination of different perspectives and situations. It was not ideal, but I have learned a lot from the experience with them. Learn to trust (always) and happy reading!! P.S. Since we are on the theme of true colors, I will add another poem in the mix as well.

No Hero

It was a hard pill to swallow

Because the truth hurts and

All I wanted to do was follow

 

In your footsteps. The sand

Was sinking me down

Until I could no longer stand.

 

I felt like I was going to drown,

But there was nothing I could do

To stop the whispers in this town.

 

Everybody was speculating and you

Were living up to the hype.

I was starting to feel like the new

 

Girl around these parts. I had to wipe

Away my tears before you saw

Me as weak. I was not your type

 

Of girl. I used to be in awe

Of you until I saw all of the ugliness.

You were no shiny medal. The flaw

 

In the both of us was heartless.

And the darkness of the situation

Was twirling off its axis.

 

Nothing was turning out to be certain

Like I thought it was going

To be. Nobody clearly won

 

This battle. It does have a lot of sting

Because you meant so much to me,

But we were both down to our last swing.

 

I could no longer let you see

Things from my perspective because

Everything had to stop and cease.

 

I paid no attention as each person’s jaws

Dropped to the floor because I never

Cared enough for their claws

 

To sink into us and pin me as the enabler.

Their golden and bad boy could

Never disappoint them. Your honor

 

Was never real. How I wish you would

Show the world who you really

Are and how the bad outshines the good.

 

People always viewed you as godly

And perfect. While I am just

An ordinary girl and I was barely

 

Hanging on as I was. I wanted to trust

You enough so you would never break

Me into pieces, but I was turning into dust.

 

Your True Colors

My feelings were hidden from view.

I never wanted to hide what

I was feeling away from you.

 

Deep down in my gut

And intuition was the truth

That everything was going to cut

 

Me deep. It did nothing to soothe

My irrational fears of you leaving.

It turned out that I saw your true

 

Being and colors shining

On through. I prayed for some

Miracle. I thought it would bring

 

You and I back in rhythm like a drum.

We got out of sync and you were no

Longer a part of this dance. I feel numb.

 

You and I were supposed to go slow,

But I got ahead of myself and wanted

Too much. You gave me this glow,

 

But it has all dimmed. The wall

That I built is going back up.

I am left wandering

 

This world while I suffered the blowup.

You did not have to suffer as much as I did.

You just went on like this was no breakup.

 

You went off the map and grid.

You vanished and disappeared altogether.

We could do nothing to stop this skid.

Storms and Imperfections

Ever since I was a little girl, I have never been a huge fan of storms, especially thunder and lightning storms because they have always scared me. I still remember my parents would tell me how far away the thunder and lightning is by making us count. If it was further away, the higher I would be able to count. I still do not always like storms (especially if I am right in the midst of one), but I have come to tolerate them slightly more these days. Why am I talking about storms? And I know tons of people who like (as well as love) storms. What is there to not like about storms?

I will tell you why. Storms, in a sense, are like a symbol for life. No storm is perfect and beautiful, right? Sure, the end results are gorgeous and stunning, but during the storm it may not always look that way. Rain, snow, thunder, lightning, and whatever else you consider to be as a part of the storm do not look the prettiest. Sometimes people like standing in the rain, getting wet and I get that (I really do), but there is something amazing about when we can see the rain (and other parts of the storm from afar). I do not know about other people, but sometimes when a storm comes (literally or hypothetically), all I want to do is cuddle up with a good book or TV and let it pass. Sometimes it gets me into a bad mood and sometimes it gets me into a reflective mood. I guess that it all just depends on the storm because it could vary and sometimes drastically.

So I am going back to storms and what they represent. Storms in addition to representing life, also represent imperfections and flaws. There is this quote that I think sums this all up perfectly (no pun intended). “I’m beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws. All together, I am a beautiful disaster.” I have always wanted to figure out who wrote this quote because it has seriously become one of my favorite quotes. This is totally coincidental, but in Demi’s book (in her June 28th entry) she says that “If you don’t love yourself for your flaws and imperfections, you can’t expect anyone else to either.” And I think that ties in perfectly with this theme of flaws and imperfections.

All in all, this has come to be a slightly longer post than what I originally intended, but I think this is an important discussion to have. Storms are amazing things because they teach us so much and mostly they teach us about ourselves. There is a little backstory to this poem that I am sharing in this post, but I will not get too much into detail about it because I want people to enjoy the poem. Just a side note that the title of the poem changed from “Beautiful Disaster” to “Against The Storm.” My hope is that people get this poem from a symbolic point of view. So, this goes out to all of my readers as a reminder that nothing is perfect and it is okay to go through life with constant storms. We all have flaws and imperfections and you know what? That is just fine and we are better that way. So happy reading!! P.S. Just a note that I decided to add another poem (it is an older one I wrote a while back ago) because I wanted to show two different moods. One is a bit a calmer and the other is a bit on the chaotic angry side.

Against The Storm

Darling, you are like a beautiful disaster.

You go on full speed ahead like a tornado.

You are not like the decay

 

That rots away. You have this glow

To you that never truly goes away.

I wish you would know

 

Your true potential. You have a magical sway

That has everybody under a trance.

You make us all want to stay.

 

You and I are in this endless dance

When neither one of us is willing to cave in.

I am willing to give this a chance

 

Only if you are ready for this dark ink

To settle in. It is starting to become permanent.

You are suddenly becoming too hard to ignore.

 

Baby, you could never become nonexistent.

I will remember you for a long time, even

After you blow on through. This is no stunt

 

To keep you around. Chasing and making me run

After you is useless. I know that you will

Not be coming back and then the sun

 

Will be gone. I could never get my full fill

Of you even if I tried. I am drawn to you.

Even when you will spill

 

Over I will try to catch you. I cannot undo

This hold you have over me. That I cannot

Change, but I do have the power to spew

 

The truth because it is all I got

When it comes down to us. You want to be free.

I know that you are afraid of this tangled knot

 

That has become apart of you and me.

You never wanted to stay long or linger.

You always wanted to flee

 

And run away. I do not know what is to come after

You, but I do not want to figure that out yet.

I am not done exploring you and finding the answer.

 

One thing I know is that I am never going to bet

Against you and the storm ever again.

I know there some reason why you and I met.

 

Nothing is ever a perfect score or a ten.

Nothing is ever set in stone with a pen.

 

Like a Storm

You are going to wish you had

A warning or at least a map

Because I am unpredictable.

I could come in and turn

Everything upside down.

I could just blow right on

Thorough this town.

I am danger without the warning.

I am the storm with

The wind howling

And everybody running

For cover. I am the chaos during

The storm. I am the reason why

You want to change states

And change names so I do not

Find you. You cannot escape me.

You will not escape from me.

I got the fire burning behind my

Eyes. The storm is coming.

The hurricane is coming right

Through my finger tips.

I cannot be tamed. I cannot be

Wished away. I will keep on

Coming back to you, wherever

You are. I am going to keep

You running and hiding.

You are going to constantly

Be looking over your shoulder.

You will not know where I might

End up going. You always said

I was a beautiful mess.

Someone who leaves your

Head spinning and leaves

You a little loopy. Someone who

Keeps you on the edge.

Now I am the ugly type of mess.

I am leaving a trail behind

So you know who I am.

I am leaving my mark on

You and everything that

You love. I am a storm

That everybody hears and

Knows about. You will never

Know what hit you. You will not

Recover before I hit you again.

I am a storm just

Waiting to happen.

Leaving an Impact On This World

Hey there. One of the things I have been thinking about these days is what happens when we depart and leave this world (I am talking about when we die)? What type of impact would we have? And what legacy would we leave behind? I want to bring in a quote here by one of my heroes (for people who watch or know about baseball, you will definitely know who this guy is), Mr. Jackie Robinson. He says “A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” I am going to backtrack here for a moment and explain who Jackie Robinson is (for people who do not know who this guy is). Robinson was the first person of color who came to Major League Baseball (MLB) and broke the color barrier by coming to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Obviously, he had a huge impact, not only on baseball, but across the world as well.

That got me thinking about the impact I would have (and how I so much want to leave something behind so people would remember me). I am not trying to be selfish here, but I want people to remember me and I want to do something to also make the world a slightly better place. I think that is what we all need to do. We are living on this Earth, so we all need to do something, not only to take care of Earth as a planet, but to take care of at least some of the people as well (it makes me think of this nature writing class I took when I was an undergraduate).

I want to apply this to relationships we have with other people. I sometimes struggle with leaving an impact (especially a positive one) on people. Through this poem I reflect through relationships I have had (with friends and dating relationships as well). In this poem, I am specifically talking about it through this guy I was seeing and how I wish I could be more of that type of girl that he will never truly forget, no matter what he does. I want him to be thinking about me, even when I am no longer there. I have been on the receiving end of this where I could never truly forget him, but I am flipping the script in this poem. My goal in life is to make this world a better place and to make other people feel things (maybe things they have never felt before).

I found a quote to sum it all up. “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it.” It all goes hand in hand with my post about having this “inner fire.” So I strongly encourage my readers to do exactly that (even if you are not one of those types of people listed). I hope that this poem gives you all the encouragement and hope that you would need to do so much. We need everybody to contribute because it is all about the younger (as well as the older) generation. Enjoy this poem and post!! P.S. Just a fair warning that this following poem is a bit on the longer side.

Gone Girl

Keep her close to your heart
Because that is where she belongs.
You gave her a kick start
To living again. She is like that song
You will never truly forget.
There will be other girls trying to
Take her place, but you will regret
Leaving her behind. You will turn blue
Because she is not there to be
Your oxygen in order to breathe.
She just wants you to see
Your mistakes and you will seethe
Around in anger. You had that
One girl through everything
And then you squashed her flat.
She gave you that something
She had not given to anybody else.
You will miss everything about her.
Most of all, you will miss that easy ebb
You had together. Everything will blur
And begin to fade away from memory.
Although she is gone forever,
She leaves you on unstable and shaky
Ground. Everything tastes bitter
In your mouth. Only then will
You want her back to make everything whole
Again, but she has already had her fill
Of you. Her broken down soul
No longer belongs to you. You can try
To forget and move on with other girls
After her, but she will always fly
Back into your heart. They will not be pearls
Or diamonds like she was. You can never
Truly forget someone as magical
As she was. She will put you on a bender
That will make everything spiral
Out of control for you. She has put
You under her spell that still lingers behind.
She keeps you balancing on one foot
As you are kept in a bind
With her that she is breaking
Into broken pieces like her fractured
Heart. She is no longer aching
For your love. You already uttered
The unspeakable words to get her away
From you. Do you now see the truth?
Do you know how heavy that will weigh?
You extend a branch with that truce
She no longer wants. She is that bright
And smart girl you wish you still had,
But she is strong without you. The night
Is long gone just like she is. Do not be mad
If she disappears. She may be gone, but
She will be embedded into your spirit so you
Can never truly forget her. She is just a droplet
In the sky and a part of the grass that grew
From the ground up. She is a whisper and
A ghost away from being real, but
Is she really here? She is just another strand
Floating. She is no longer caught in the rut.
By the time you truly see her,
She will be a gone girl.

Father’s Day

I am so lucky enough to have the parents that I do. I did a special post about my mom for Mother’s Day and I am going to do the same for my dad in this post. There are so many things that people (including myself) could say about my dad. He is kind, gentle, strong, patient, hard working, and the list can go on. I have had hardships in my life and I am truly grateful that my parents (especially my dad in this case) have been there for me in every step along the way. I am trying to take Demi’s advice. She says to “Thank your parents for giving you the gift of life and doing their best.” I have always tried to show my appreciation towards my parents for all that they have done.

I scoured the internet for the right quote and I came across this quote that describes what my dad means to me. “A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow.” I never really thought about it in that way since very recently. I have realized I have many similarities with my mom, but I have also realized that I share many things in common with my dad. We both like sports (especially baseball) and we can talk sports all day long (it would probably drive my mom crazy). Anyways, I just want to take this moment to show appreciation towards my dad and to say thank you for all that he has done. Words cannot describe how much I love you.

There is so much more that I can say about you, but I will let this poem speak for itself. I also want to show my appreciation towards the other fathers and dads across this world. I know that we are not all lucky enough to have a dad to call their own, so I want to take this moment to remind my readers (and others) to show thanks towards people who have been like father figures in their lives, whether it is a mom who plays a dual role of both being a mother and father, or an adoptive dad, or a 2nd or 3rd dad (like I have). I hope you all enjoy your day because you deserve it as much as the moms and mothers across the world as well.

My Father

To my father, a person I am

Lucky enough

To call my own. He is my jokester

With a corny sense of humor.

He is my source

Of wisdom and guidance.

He is my protector.

He is my heart and soul.

He is my kindness

And softness.

He does not have any hard edges,

But he is gentle and intelligent.

I am his daughter, his world and

Someone who will

Always love him.

We share sports and

Other common ground.

Just like my mother,

We share endless

Love and light.

He does not care about

My physical beauty

Because in his eyes,

None of that matters.

He pays no attention to

My flaws or imperfections.

In his eyes, I am perfect just as

I am. He makes me want to

Set high standards for whomever

Is trying to take his place. He is

My source of strength

And resilience. He is my teacher,

For he has taught me about equality

For every skin color, for every race,

For every gender and for every

Social class in this world.

He has taught me about compassion

And that nothing in life comes easy.

We all need to work hard every day.

He sees the negative and the positive

In everything. I am going to always

Be his daughter and baby.

He is going to always be

My dad and father.

Inner Fire

I want to talk about something I like to call “inner fire.” That is pretty self explanatory, but I will explain it anyways (especially to people who may not know what it is). I think of “inner fire” as something that comes within. This inner fire is strong, powerful, motivational, and one of the strongest things that people can have in this world. You do not settle for things that do nothing to make you happy and you do not let anything weigh you down (especially something like the past and bad things). “Inner fire” is the ability to push forward and through life no matter what happens. Yes, there are some times when you want to give up, but you have to keep going, not for anybody else, but for yourself.

I have searched the internet for the right quote (I do not know about my readers, but I find that quotes help me understand things better and it gives me words to connect to) and I know there are no “perfect” quotes, but here is one of the quotes I found from Suzanne Collins. “I am not pretty. I am not beautiful. I am as radiant as the sun.” I think that quote is great because it explains the important of being radiant (or having radiance), has to do with brightness, warmness, and light. Being radiant has nothing to do with being pretty or beautiful because that is sometimes more physical than anything else although you can feel beautiful or pretty as well as looking pretty or beautiful (if that makes sense).

Here is a poem (same title as what I was talking about before). Remember to live however you want to live and to not settle for anything or anyone (especially when it make you unhappy). I hope that you all break free and find your inner fire. I know that our inner fire is hard to find, but it is there somewhere. We all just need to keep searching. Here is the poem. Happy reading!!

Inner Fire

I am wild and I am free.

I refuse to settle for anything

That makes me uneasy.

 

I am meant to swing

Through life without a care in

This world. I am not meant to cling

 

To things that do not set my skin

On fire. I do not dare to remember

My past mistakes as I begin

 

Each new day. My anchor

Has been released because all it was

Doing was dragging me down. The amber

 

Glow is here to stay. My flaws

Are here to stay. All the bad things will

End. We are meant to live as outlaws

 

And on the edge. Forget about frill.

It will do nothing to make me content.

There will still be that occasional spill

 

Of whatever goes and comes

Through my life. I have this inner

Fire that will break and shatter the cuffs

 

That I used to wear. The fire

Is burning brighter than the one outside

Of me. I am not letting it all fester

 

And get worse. I am making my stride

Through it all. I am setting my own pace.

I will not let anything get me all tied

 

Up together anymore. My life is not a race.

My life is what I want it to be.

Life is not as delicate as lace.

 

I am no longer going to plea

And beg my way through.

I want to hold my own key

 

In my palm. I want to be my own glue.

It is stronger than me and you.

The Power of Forgiveness and Love

Hi everybody, I am back once again. I hope that you did not miss me too much while I was gone. I went back to the east coast (the first time since I have graduated from McDaniel College two years ago) to attend a friend’s wedding and to see some of my other east coast friends. The weather turned out to be beautiful (they were predicting rain), the wedding was nice and my friend (Katalin) looked absolutely stunning. The little backstory here is that Katalin and I went to McDaniel together (she was a year or two older than me). She met this guy (her now husband Kenny) who she met online. They were together a couple of years and then they got married. I would not miss her wedding.

The point here ties into why I wanted to start this blog (P.S. she was the one who helped me with this blog idea so I thank her again for that) and why I came up with “Messy Ties.” Katalin is Catholic and a lot of her family is Hungarian (among other things as well). Kenny is also Catholic and is Mexican (among other things). I though it was pretty amazing because they really tried to blend those two things together. I have to admit that this is (by far) one of the most religious weddings that I have ever been to. They did mass and the whole nine yards (in the church with prayers and everything).

The one thing I remembered from the wedding was when the preacher (or whatever you call those people) started talking about how important it is to have a strong foundation. He went on to say how a marriage (or union) would fall apart unless you water and lay down a solid foundation. Even though I am not a super religious person (after all, my parents are non practicing Catholics and Jews), I really had to agree with this. It got me thinking about what I look for in a relationship. Another thing that came from this trip and especially this wedding was when I saw two guys I used to date (at Katalin’s wedding). Their code names in this instance are A and M. I had to prepare myself (although in terms of seeing M did not seem to bad). I was dreading to see A (I never wanted to see him again after things ended).

The encounters with both of them went better than expected. I just had to pretend like everything was okay and got me thinking about the power of love and forgiveness. I think Martin Luther King says it in the best way. “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” These are strong words coming from one of the greatest people on this earth who sadly passed away years ago. What MLK is saying is that we need to forgive, otherwise we will not have the ability to love. There are good things in bad people and there are bad things in good people. When we realize this, we are less likely to hate our enemies.

I felt the power of Katalin and Kenny’s love (after all they were surrounded by people supporting them as the pastor pointed out). I felt the power of forgiveness when I had to forgive myself and those guys I used to date. I had to forgive myself for whatever happened and I had to forgive them (even when I did not get that apology I deserved). I firmly believe that forgiveness and love are two of strongest things in this world. Furthermore, that is why they are so powerful. This wedding inspired this poem that I started once I got back to the hotel after the wedding and I tried to finish it as best as I could. I hope that everybody is able to forgive someone (even though it is so hard) and that they find the love that they deserve. We cannot live without those two things. I hope that everybody enjoys this poem I wrote (it may need a little more work). This goes to Katalin, Kenny, my mom, my dad, A, M, and everybody else who inspired me to write this poem. It is time to build our own foundation and believe that we do have the ability to love, even when we have been hurt before.

My Foundation

The ability to love and forgive.

I know it holds the power to heal

Just about anything. It is about the

Foundation being built before

Everything else. It all takes me

Back to a time, all those years

Ago when I was too naïve to love.

I am still afraid to do so to

This very day. I have the proof

That this love does exist and work.

I see it through the shining example

Of my parents and friends every day.

I am not incapable of love.

I just choose to work on myself

And hope to find someone to

Support me as I go along in life.

I choose to put myself first

Before everybody else.

I am building my own foundation.

Life Is An Uphill Batte

I have been pondering life these days (as I do a lot these days whenever I have a moment to) and have been realizing how much life is like an uphill battle. I think of it as going up a hill and makes me think of that time when I went up near the Lawrence Hall of Science when I took my excursion (in my post about going somewhere new). There is a quote that immediately comes to mind when I think of life as being an uphill battle. “When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top.” Once again I tie this into my excursion because it was a struggle. There were times where I wanted to give up and go back, but I kept going (yes, it did take me a lot longer than I though it would be). I got lost, I got tired, but I made the push to get to my goal.

I take that and apply it to life because I think life as an ongoing struggle. There are times where we have so struggles and want to give up, but we have to keep going until we get to where we want to go (which is the top in my opinion). The end results will be stunningly beautiful. Sometimes it is hard to put into words how beautiful the end results. I know that I have had lots of struggles in my life and I know that other people have too. Life as a journey is messy, dirty, and chaotic. We can cry, scream it out and throw a tantrum. Just do not let it go over your head. You have to tell yourself that you can do it.

I hope that you all continue on this messy (pun intended) journey with me as we resume our trek through life. Just hang in there and remember that I am right there with you always. Here are some words to get you through each and every day. As I have said in this poem (down below) do not let anything get between you, the light and the view from the top. I promise you that it will be amazing (of course once you get there).

Uphill Battle

On some days I drown in my own sorrow

And cannot see the view from the top.

On other days I want to borrow

 

Someone else’s smile. I do not want to drop

To my knees and send another prayer to make

It through another day. All I want to do is stop

 

The sadness, loneliness, and ache

In my heart. Just for one moment

I want to be able to forget my mistake.

 

I have paid dearly for it all. Release the brunt

Of the fall that has landed on me. I deserve

A happy life. I know that life has been too blunt

 

For my own liking. I miss the arching curve

Of life. Do not mistake this uphill battle

As my weakness. I am used to this swerve

 

Over the bumps. Some days life feels so dull.

On other days life tries to send me over the edge.

I miss the days when my mom would lull

 

Me when I could not fall asleep at night. The ledge

Is tempting to fall off of since it is right there.

I do not want to stuck in the hedge

 

Of the unknown. Life is trying to wear

Me down as I go on this ongoing trek and journey

I do not want to left out in the open and feel bare.

 

Although I have been down on my knee

Before I do not want to be there again.

I am not letting anything stand between me,

 

The view, and seeing the light. Just know that when

I want something I get into my mode of Zen.

Girls, Women, and Ladies

They come in all shapes and forms. Whatever you want to call them… It all does not matter. I know that our country is founded upon “All men are created equal.” In this case I do not want to solely focus on the men. Although they are an important part of our lives, they are not the only important people in our lives. Men are praised for being strong and powerful, although in some cases they are criticized for not being “man” enough. What about the women all across this world? They are naturally portrayed as weak and vulnerable. Why cannot women be strong and powerful as well? And why is it that although it is the 21st century women are still being viewed as unequal to men. Women give birth to our children and still have to constantly fight to keep their rights. They get unequal pay, etc.

My whole point is that maybe it is time for women (including myself and other women I know) to put themselves first. I know that is one of the hardest things to do in this world, especially for those so used to taking care of others and putting themselves last. I have searched the internet for the right quote (trust me there are a lot) about putting yourself first and I came across this one (I also happened to find this on one of my friend’s Facebook pages, thanks in part to Caitlyn). “Happiness starts with you – not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you.” In other words, it is all about your happiness and your life. In the end, it should never matter what other people think about you and the choices you make. Demi, my hero, talks about putting yourself first too. She says “Sometimes it is okay to be selfish. Being selfless all the time can be detrimental to your mind and body.” In other words, it is okay to be selfish every once and a while.  Give yourself permission to treat yourself with the respect and care that you deserve.

I wrote this poem for myself (I think of it as a short letter to myself), for I have been through a lot of things recently (I will not go too much into it all). This goes out to all the women both in my life and across the world. I am telling them (as well as myself) to never stop being who they are and that they should never let anybody else put them down. Just keep on being the amazing and strong women we all know we can be. This poem is for you!!

Putting Herself First

Just know that she always

Comes first, no matter if

She is struggling or trying

To make room for herself

To breathe. She is her

Own priority. In the past

She has cared too much

For other people and

What they think.

Now she is thinking for

Herself and what she

Needs to do to make

Herself happy. She has

Goals, dreams,

And ambitions. She will

Be mad and upset if

You or anybody else gets

In her way. She is a warrior

And goddess. She has this

Quiet yet strong power

And presence to who she is.

She is selfish only because

She deserves to care

For herself and because she

Has been let down before.

She has endless strength

Within her. She is her own

Walking life motto.

Mother’s Day

I am sharing a quote I found just the other day as Mother’s Day is upon us for this year (or at least it will be very soon).  “Of all the gifts that life has to offer, a loving mother is the greatest of them all.” I know that we all (including myself as well) do not always get along with our parents (it is a given when it comes to the relationship we have with them) because we bicker and fight with them from a very young age. We all go through stages (especially when we rebel or do not talk to my parents) with them. I include myself in this because I have been through all of that myself. I have been fortunate enough to be the daughter of parents who are a couple of the nicest and hardest working people I know. I love my dad, but I want to spend this time talking about my mom especially.

My mom… Words cannot describe how lucky I am to have her as a mom (I hope that she gets a chance to read this). She is hard working, kind, strong headed (a good trait, I promise), super supportive, speaks her mind (another good trait), and is so many other things as well. I admire so many women in my life (including my grandma, sister, etc.) and my mom is one of those people on my list. I do not know if she knows this, but she has always been one of my role models and is someone I have always looked up to as a young girl (and I still look up to her as an adult). My mom has always encouraged me to be myself and to always keep pushing through no matter what life throws my way. I have had many challenges in my life (and I still do) and she has been there every step of the way.

She has been there when I have gone through bad things (like not landing a role that I had auditioned for or when I was going through a rough patch). It was hard for me when I went off to college, but my parents were encouraging me to do this. I would call them at least once a week (even though I would call my mom more than that). My mom has always given me advice (regardless if I want to hear it or not is another thing altogether). She would give me advice on everything from boys to school to my poetry writing.

I know that I have talked a lot about my (biological) mom. I am also fortunate enough to have a (second or other) mom. She was the one who I met while I was an undergraduate at McDaniel College (in MD). The joke is that when my parents dropped me off at McDaniel College (my freshman year), they were some of the last ones there and my parents came to meet Susan (and the rest of the office), my parents were reassured that this was the right decision. I have been close with her ever since then. I would stay at her house, I would still see her once a week (even after she left McDaniel). In fact, I think she and my mom would be good friends (if my parents were their neighbors). They could even be sisters (they are so similar and have similar tastes).

I shared this poem with my mom last year (because I wrote it just in time for Mother’s Day last year), but I will be sharing it again this year (with my readers). I hope that you get a chance to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom this year. Even if you do not have a mom (or if she is not around for whatever reason) turn to someone who is like a mom to you (she does not even have to be biologically related to you) and tell her how much you appreciate her and love her. She is (as what Alicia Keys sings in her song “Superwoman”) indeed a super woman and beyond that as well. Thank you to all the moms in the world (we literally would not be here without you). Just a side note, this poem is written for my mom (directly towards her), but this could be used in any context for any mom out there. Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mother. I will forever love you.

Love For a Mother

Like mother

Like daughter –

Strong, ambitious,

And hard working.

The road has been

Long and wide.

Lots of highs like

Success, love and

Support.

Lots of lows

Like wiping away

Tears and being

Missed.

The road takes me

Back right into

Your arms and heart,

Where there is

Never-ending love

And light. No matter

Where life goes,

You are right

Beside me, walking

Or running with me.

Even if we are far

Apart you have that

Special place in

My heart and mind

Where you belong.

You are my cheerleader,

You are my rock,

You are my anchor,

You are my everything,

And most of all

You are my mother.

The People We Used to Be Vs. The People We Are Now

I know that I have talked about making changes. Here, I want to talk about that, but it is slightly different this time around. This time I am talking about people who change. I have been doing a lot of self reflection these days (I am not sure if it is because Demi talked about it in her book or that I have just been thinking about it a lot). One of the things I have been thinking about is how I have changed from the person I used to be to the person that I am now in the present moment. It does not matter if I have changed from a year ago, a month ago, even last week. The point is that I am noticing the changes in myself and I know that some people are probably noticing as well (although it should not matter because I have said before, it is about me not them). I have gone through things that have changed me as a person. I know some of those things can be characterized as “bad” or “negative,” but some of those things turned out to be good and positive.

I am making these changes on a constant basis (and I am still going through changes to this very day). I am turning from the person I used to be to the person that I am now. Other people are going through the same thing as well. In a sense, we are saying goodbye to the person we used to be and saying hello to the new us. That does not mean we should totally forget about the people we used to be (after all, they can still teach us valuable lessons). It just means we are improving to be better human beings. So do not let others judge you for the person you used to be (I am trying to do the same thing). Like I have said before, they do not always know the real you (they just think they do). I will also say (as a reminder) that if you do change, remember to make those changes for yourself and not for others.

This poem is written about myself (and the person I used to be), but I know that others can relate to this subject topic as well. Hang in there because I know that we have all had (or still have) bad days or darkness come into our lives. I have to admit that I have been through those dark and bad days (I am not spilling all my deep and dark secrets though because they are next to my heart). As Demi said in her book, celebrate and embrace those changes (she also says to reflect on how you have changed over the course of the year). I have always said (and I will say the same thing to others) that we are still living. I also remember someone saying to always put one foot in front of the other. This poem is for my readers and to remind them that we are not always the same person we used to be. Cheers!!

Who I Used To Be

I used to be a dreamer,

Thinking about the

Daunting future.

I used to wonder what it

Would be like to sleep with

The moon and the stars

Late at night. Do not tell them

My secrets, the ones I keep close.

They are the one I will have

Until I die. Do not tell them that

I keep things to myself as

I feel like nobody will believe me.

Do not tell them it feels like

I have seen better days.

All they see is the spring in

My steps and my voice full

Of merriment. They do not know

That it feels like I am drowning

In complete darkness. They do

Not need to know that I struggle

To let the light in. They do not

Need to know that I used to be

A seeker, who would go after

Everything and anything

That made me feel

Less alone in this world.

Do not tell them that I used

To be afraid of having nobody.

They do not need to know

That I used to hold on tight

And count until the breathing

Became easier. They do not

Need to know that I used to

Feel like I was suffocating.

All they need to know is that

I am trying to be a better person

Because of all of that. They should

Know that I am above all of that.

They should pay no attention to

The person I used to be before

Things were going good.