Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Present Moment and Being Good Enough

I know that I have talked about my mantra “You are good enough” (that I have talked about in one of my first posts on this blog). That mantra was supposed to be for myself, but I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have realized that other people (especially some people I know) need to hear it too. I hate when people think they are not deserving of other people and think that they are too damaged to be with other people (either as friends or something beyond). Demi talks about being in the present moment. What she is saying is that no matter what we have been through in the past, we have to be in the present moment and to enjoy it. It can go by quickly if we are not paying attention.

This goes to all of the people who think they are not good enough. I am going to quote Taylor Swift here for a moment (this is one of my favorite quotes of hers). This is from her “Clean” introduction speech (when she went out on tour). Swift says that “You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you.” I am not going to quote that whole speech because it is a bit lengthy, but I know people need to find and read it (seriously google it or something). That goes hand in hand with some of my previous posts (including the ones about making no assumptions and losing someone).

That all has prompted me to share this poem I wrote a little while ago. I am thinking about a particular person when I wrote this, but it is open to interpretation to anybody and anything. The last thing I can say (and it is in this poem too) is to keep your head up no matter what. Here you go.

Standing Up

I hate whoever tried

To hurt you. They do

Not deserve someone

Like you. It is because

Of them that you

Cannot see yourself

As someone who is

Good hearted and kind.

Do not be characterized

By your demons and past

That haunts you. Those will

Follow you around forever.

Do not let them keep you

From moving on and

For finding someone who

Will not try to hurt you.

Those people care for you

And will love you for who

You are now. They hear

And understand you.

They will shut off

The gossip and will not

Listen to those who

Do not know who

You truly are. You are better

And above the nonsense

People throw your way.

They do not know that

You have already been

Through both heaven

And hell several times.

You keep your chin up

And smile no matter what

People try to do to

Knock you down.

I would do anything to

See you happy and

To believe in yourself.

It is a beautiful thing

To be yourself and

Not care what others think.

Keep living on and

Keep standing up.

 

P.S. I thought I put this quote in this blog post, but looking back I realized that I did not. Here is a quote I wanted to share from Snoopy (as in Snoopy from “Peanuts”). Do not judge me, I love Snoopy because he has some wise words for not just me, but for all of us. Here you go. “Keep looking up… that’s the secret of life…”

Update on Losing People

Hi everybody!!!! Here is that poem that I promised. I have already made a few tweaks to it (and I think it feels a little unfinished, but that is just my opinion). Here you go…

Losing You

Things were going as well
As they could go, but then you
Vanished like that. I did not want to dwell

On the past, but I had no clue
What you were doing to me.
You went ahead and threw

Me away like I meant nothing. We are free
From the burdens of it all and
You got what you wanted. Everything felt achy

And unreal. It was like every strand
Was coming undone. What we had
Slipped through our fingers like sand.

I did not know it would be this bad.
We both knew that this would take place.
I cannot sit here and be sad.

I will not forget your face
No matter how much I try to let it fade.
There is nothing between us but space.

I will try to be happy as I bade
You and everything we had goodbye.
I still would never trade

Those memories away. I have to try
To move on and be a better person.
I cannot continue to ask why

You went away. You had to run
Away for whatever reason.
You told me to never stop chasing the sun.

You have left me with a leaden
And heavy heart. The worry
That I was losing you left me broken

And hopeless. I am sorry
For whatever we did to each other.
I could not plea

With you anymore. The answer
Was not there. You were gone.
Everything became a blur.

You told me to move on
Without you and I am finally
Doing that. I got

That part down. I want you here badly
But you do not and will not
Hold that key.

Losing People

This is one difficult thing to talk about. I know I have lost people (like family and friends) because they died or moved away or we just drifted apart. There are also those people who just walk out on us and do not always give us an explanation or a reason why they left. And to be honest sometimes I do the same to other people too (I try not to, but it is sometimes difficult not to do that). It just happens that way sometimes. Loss is hard, especially if that person meant a lot to you and you have no idea what went wrong. Not every relationship is perfect. We all fight with loved ones on daily basis.

I have said that people go in and out of our lives all the time. All we can do is remember the people we lost (and eventually make amends with those people later down the line if life happens that way)  or we can just move on. That is one thing I am constantly learning. It is better to not dwell on the people and things that leave your life for no reason. Those people and things do not and should not matter to you anymore. They do not deserve your time or energy anymore. They have their own problems or issues and they do not involve you anymore. It is mostly different for people who have died (there is nothing we could do about that). I am not focusing on that aspect of this whole loss topic.

This poem (once I get it all finalized and a little bit more polished) is dedicated to all the people that I have lost and for those who are strong enough to make it through without those people in their lives. I know we want to try to get those people back, but it is not always necessary to do so. I have been realizing (especially with a more recent situation when someone left my life) that it is more on their end and not on yours. In other words, do not blame yourself and let them deal with what they need to deal with. I promise my readers that I will get that poem up and running in another post within these next few days (I promise).

No Assumptions and No Judgements

Hey everybody, I know that it has been a while. I am forever thankful for my parents for instilling in us (as children) valuable lessons and things to always remember. One of the things my parents have taught me (and I am sure most of your parents’ have talked to you about this too). That is to never judge or make assumptions about people. I  know it is hard to do that (especially if those people treat you bad). However if you really sit and think about it, people make judgments and assumptions about you too. What I am saying is that it goes both ways. So it should not matter about where we come from or what we look like or how we act. We all have bad days and sometimes because of that we treat other people (and ourselves) badly.

My point is to never judge anybody before you really get to know them. This goes out to all of the people who make assumptions and judgments about me because they do not know the real me. They think they do, but they do not know my story. I dislike people who think I am better than them just because I am white and come from a middle class family. So what? I do not try to judge other people because their story and background is different than mine. We all are on different paths and journeys in life. That is just the way it is. The last thing I want to do is to look down upon anybody. That is not my job. I have been thinking about this topic, partially because Demi talks about it in her book.

I am not saying that there are days where I do not do it, but I try my best. I just hope everybody else (including you, my readers) to do the same. This is my way of getting onto the same level as everybody else, including some of those people who treat me like I am something special all the time when I know I am not. I know that is a harsh thing to say but I am tired of people treating me like I am something that should not get broken when I know I am far from perfect. So thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson and for treating me like I actually mean something to you, but enough is enough. This is for you! Friends, ex lovers, current lovers and everybody else: you are never alone.

No Assumptions

You put me up high on

A pedestal so you cannot reach me

Like I am a delicate China doll

Or a valuable piece of art.

I wish you could see

It in your heart that we are

On the same level. Although

I may seem beautiful, amazing

And flawless I am not.

Just because I may

Come from a “privileged”

Background with everything

Provided for me like a roof

Over my head and food on

The table does not mean

I am not like you. Although

We have different skin colors

And different ways of living,

Deep down we are more similar

Than you realized. Although

You think highly of me and that

I’m too “good” for you to be

With you, then you are wrong.

It does not matter that you are

Working a minimum wage job.

I am trying to juggle

As I struggle just like you

To make it through life.

Although you may think my life

Is good, it is not always as grand

As you make it out to be.

You may say my parents are

Supportive and I am lucky to be

Living at home. It is not to say

I am spoiled or live in a mansion.

It is because it is hard

Living on my own

With no job. It is because

The rent is through the roof.

I am figuring out the rest

Of my life just like you.

Let us keep our promise

Of no judgment and let me

Decide for myself if I should

Be around. I am never the one

To judge and make assumptions,

So I hope that you do the same.

Broken Heart

Heartbreaks are about as messy as they come. Heartbreaks are never simple or easy. They are super complex and hard to understand sometimes. In Demi’s book for today’s entry she talks about heart break. Now, I know that we have all been through a heart break. It does not matter how big or small it is/was, it still hurts. However, whenever our heart gets broken it has taught us a thing or two. We all learn different things from heartbreak. Like I said before, getting heartbroken hurts, but it is also a time of healing and self reflection.

Demi points out that it can be caused either by someone or something. The goal for today’s entry is to “Think about someone or something that broke your heart and then think about how that made you change and grow for the better.” I am forever thankful for the people and things that broke my heart for many reasons. They have taught me to be a better person and taught me that it is okay to have high standards. They have also taught me to have my guard up and that it is okay to say no. I can go on and on about what else heartbreak has taught me, but that list will go on forever.

There are some important things to remember about heartbreak. The first thing is that no matter what happens, someone or something will get broken. I remember having a conversation with my mom and I have told her that I will never break anybody’s heart (I think we had this conversation after my first boyfriend broke up with me) and she turned to me and said “At some point you are going break someone’s heart.” I have looked back at that conversation and realized how true that turned out to be. The second thing to know about heartbreak is that no matter how much it hurts, you will come out of it on the other side. The third thing to know about heartbreak is that it is all about you. Even if you broke someone (or something) else’s heart.

Heartbreak can turn out to be a very traumatic process, so take as much time as you need after a heartbreaking situation. People can try to tell you how to get over a heartbreak, but until they have been through something just as tragic and sad, they do not know what it is like. I have to admit that heartbreak has definitely inspired me and my poetry writing. I am 24 years old and I have been through a lot of heartbreak over the years. This poem goes out to all of the people who have gotten their heart broken many times and have used it as a lesson learned. I know heartbreak can sometimes take us to a dark place, but we have shown time and time again how imperfect things can be sometimes.

Learning

Flawless and beautiful
I am not. I have cracks
And my love is not bountiful.
It comes in shades of blacks,
Grey and blue. It is so rare
And filled with gaping holes.
I will make a promise and swear
That the soles
Of my feet will stop
Digging through the dirt
And sand. I will mop
Up and avert
My eyes away from
The mess ups. I will start
To feel less glum
And my heart
Will be less dark.
The light will come in.
I will leave my mark
Behind. I will not forget my sin.
My mistakes will not be tossed away.
I will not get myself burned
Anymore. The pathway
Will lead to my lesson learned.

International Women’s Day

It’s March, which means it’s National Women’s Month, but today, March 8th is especially important because it is International Women’s Day. So happy International Women’s Day to the women who are a part of my life and to all the women across the world. We should celebrate women every day because we’re just as important as everybody else. We are all strong and we have fought for equality for many years. May we continue fighting.

All the women, especially my mother, inspire me each and every day. Regardless if it’s your mother, an aunt, a grandmother or another woman you look up to, tell her how much you admire and appreciate her. I wouldn’t be here without my mom and all of the women in my life. They have taught me to be strong, resilient, to never give up and to keep going no matter what. So thank you for all that you have done for me and for making me into the young woman I am today.

I know that we are taught to find our soul mate or to rely on a man, but my mom as well as some of my other role models like Demi, Mandy and Beyoncé have taught me to never rely on a man. I remember my mom saying that your whole life shouldn’t revolve around them. In other words, she is saying to keep going on without them and that you should not center your life around them. I am not trying to hate on guys in a general sense because I know some of them are wonderful and amazing, but we shouldn’t always have to try super hard to please them. This poem is for all the women across the world. May you girls (and women) continue to be strong, independent and always fight for what you believe in no matter what.

For All The Girls

This goes to the girl who

Always holds her head up high.

This goes to the girl who is strong.

This goes to the girl who cried.

This goes to the girl who gets

Mad. This goes to the girl who

Thinks she doesn’t deserve love.

This goes to the girl who has

Been through heartbreaks. This

Goes to the girl who doesn’t need

Or want a man. This goes to the girl

Who depends on herself and is

Independent. This goes to the girl who

Feels alone and lonely. This goes to

The girl who breaks downs and

Falls apart. This goes to the girl who

Goes for the wrong guy. This goes

To the girl who feels the pressure.

We are all those girls and many more.

We stand together and we fight.

We fight to keep on going and to keep

Pushing. We will fight to love

The right person. We will fight

To make sure we are truly happy.

Hanging On Vs. Letting Go

First of all, I want to talk about one of my new heroes, Mandy Hale (for a moment or two here). I highly recommend two of her books (both of which I have read). “I’ve Never Been to Vegas, but My Luggage Has: Mishaps and Miracles on the Road to Happily Ever After” and “The Single Woman’s Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On.” Both of those books are witty and humorous at times, but they also made me cry. I want to focus more on her book about letting go and moving on because that is the theme of this post.

I used to date this guy and he was my first boyfriend. For the longest time ever, I hung onto a poem I wrote to him, pretty much declaring my feelings for him. When we broke up I hung onto that piece of paper because he wrote something on it. Part of does not know why I hung onto it for all of those years. I finally got the courage to tear it up and throw it away in the trash. It was my own way of finally moving on. I have talked about getting hung up on past and how we cannot be stuck there forever. It is important to remember things from the past, but at the same time it is important to move forward with our lives.

Letting go and moving on are a couple of things that are hard to do no matter what. Some friendships and relationships come to an end at some point because they simply are not the same any more. Some of them just come to an end and we do not always know why. We have all been there, where something comes to an end and we do not know what to do. We can try to hang onto those memories or we can try to move on with our lives. We have memories and mementos from that relationship, whether they are pictures or stuffed animals or letters.

Hale has a section in her book about what to do with all of those items once you have ended that relationship. She suggests to put those things away and deal with them at some other time when the hurt goes away. It is true, we all get hurt. I am sorry, but it just happens that way. It may hurt now, but that cannot last forever. Hale talks about this whole idea of “out of sight and out of mind.” It sounds a lot better in theory than it does in real life, but that motto is worth trying out. That whole idea inspired this poem that I am sharing.

Forgetting

Clinging and holding onto

Something until your hands

Start to hurt is no good.

You need to let some of

The memories and

Moments go. Do not let them

Have power over you and

What you hang onto.

You may want to set them

On fire or delete them from

Your phone or return or

Give them back, but that is

Not the right thing to do.

You can delete those messages

All you want. You can tear your

Love notes all you want, but

Do not throw away things that

Were parts of your relationship.

Although they hurt to look at

They mean a lot to you.

Put them away in boxes that

Go into your closet or under

Your bed or into your head

And heart. They may be

Forgotten, but they will be there

When the hurt lessens and when

You are more ready to deal

With it all. Some things are

Hard to forget.

Changes

Hey everybody, I am back. Sorry… I have just been dealing with 101 million things on my plate these days. I wanted to talk about changes because I know we all have changes in our life, whether it is moving to a new place or going from one thing to another. Whatever that change is, it does not always have to be bad. Those changes could be big or they can be small. When I think of changes I think of something like transitions because changes and transitions are very similar to one another.

Demi says “Courage to change” in her book and that is so true. It does take courage to change because change, like everything else is sometimes very scary. When you make a change it can be exhilarating and makes you feel free. So go ahead and make changes. It does not matter if it is changing your hair, your style, your eating habits or moving to a new place to get a change of scenery, getting rid of people or having more people in your life. I do not want to dwell too much on the previous year (2015) too much because one of my mottos is to not dwell on the past. However, 2015 has brought me a lot of changes. Here is to hoping 2016 will do the same. Do not make those changes to be like someone else because you are unique and beautiful just the way you are. My poem points out that change is sometimes difficult, but it is worth it in the end. Just remember that too.

Changing Over Time

Sometimes people change

Slowly over time and

Other times they change

Right away in front of you.

You change too. When you

Look in the mirror and

Realize that you’re

Different too. You’re not

A little caterpillar, but

A butterfly spreading your

Wings and learning to fly.

You’ve developed and have

Made changed.

You’re a beautiful and

Majestic creature, but

The changes were often

Difficult and hard.

You make your own

Decisions and choices

In life.

Valentine’s Day and Spreading Love

It’s February 14th, which means it’s Valentine’s Day! I want to wish everybody (whether you are in a relationship or single) a happy Valentine’s Day. I do not want to get all sappy (and some of you many not want to hear it) so I won’t. There’s this stigma around Valentine’s Day, saying that it is a holiday for couples only. What about all the single people? You shouldn’t feel bad for being single (it isn’t anybody’s fault). Forget about going out to a fancy dinner or getting chocolate or getting flowers. Forget about wallowing around and watching reruns on TV. It’s not so much about going all out or doing too little.

Spending Valentine’s Day alone isn’t the end of the world. Valentine’s Day is about spreading love, happiness, and laughter. Spend time with your friends or do something fun or give back in some way. You deserve it. To spread some cheer (especially for those around this holiday who are down in the dumps) here is a poem 0r two to cheer you up. This is about that special someone who is either a friend, a family member or something more than that. Whoever that person is, it does not matter. That “special” person could even be yourself. Whatever you are doing on this holiday (or whoever you are spending this holiday with) just remember that you are never alone (no matter how alone you feel sometimes). Lots of love to you all. Treasure those special moments. Everybody is special and beautiful (you don’t need other people to remind you of that), but here’s a reminder for you just in case.

Our Hands

With our hands linked together

Our touches became light as a feather,

Although your hands are callused from

The harsh winter. I don’t feel so numb

Anymore. It’s a sign of comfort

And I start to wonder

If this is what peace feels like?

Although I can see that we’re alike,

I ponder if we’re just lucky.

This moment feels lovely.

It’s no longer about claiming

Territory or about taking

Anything. It’s about our connection

And spark. It’s something special.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I want to keep it all furled.

Nobody can touch this, even in silence.

To you I’m a diamond

Because I am so beautiful

And this is one thing we can control.

Friends or whatever

We are, we can endeavor

Anything as long as we are

Intertwined and follow the North Star.

There we will find our harmony.

There lies our dreams and destiny.

Scars and Wounds

“I think scars are like battle wounds – beautiful in a way. They show what you’ve been through and how strong you are for coming out of it.” That quote comes from Demi’s book and entry about scars. If we really think about it, a lot of us do have scars. I know people automatically think of physical scars (like Demi talks a little bit about in her book), but they don’t always have to be physical. They can also be scars we can’t see and that are on the inside.

Demi is right about scars being beautiful. I know they may not always look or feel pretty because they may look ugly or whatnot. That doesn’t matter. What Demi is trying to say is that scars show that you survived and you made it through although someone/something tried to hurt you (even if that someone is yourself). You made it through the other side. I know it’s hard showing our scars to other people (especially to those we care about), but it’s worthwhile in the end because like I said before we almost all have some type of scar. It’s what unites us together. Some scars take longer to heal than others because they are inflicted so much deeper and sometimes it’s harder to forget the pain. That’s why scars are so personal and make us feel vulnerable. Every scar and story is different.

Demi points out that our scars have shaped us in some way (maybe as the person we’ve become today because of them). So here’s to everybody who has scars. Here’s a couple of poems I’ve written about this subject matter because I have scars too (probably not as drastic as what other people have). So here’s to everybody who has scars, whether they’re physical or deep down inside you. Scars should be seen in a better light and should not always have a negative stigma attached to them. Be proud of your scars because they have gotten you here.

Scars and Wounds

There are scars that are invisible

To the outside world like

Self-inflicted wounds and

Battle scars, but there are also

Scars that are below the skin

That are invisible to the rest

Of the world. I’m the only one

Who can see and feel them

Everyday. The invisible scars

Come to show that only I know

What I’ve been through.

The rest of the world doesn’t

Have to ask if I’m okay.

They don’t have to pretend

Like they can’t see the

Wounds and scars.

The wounds and scars don’t

Always heal, but they’re still

A part of the past. They made

Me stronger than whatever

Or whoever tried to hurt me.

So I should be proud that

I made it through and to remind

Myself that my story isn’t over.

 

Scars

They say you wouldn’t make it

And that you’ll die before

You get to the very top.

You’re still here, aren’t you?

And where are they?

They are still stuck at

The bottom and still can’t

Make it past the first step.

Although they’ve

Fought every day and

Have the scars on their skin

To prove it, they don’t

Know what it’s like to have

Ones on the inside where

They’re invisible. They have

The physical scars for

Everybody to see, but

What about the ones on the inside?

You can’t show them your scars

Because they don’t know what

It’s like. They think you’re lying

Because they can’t see anything.

It’s not about seeing the scars,

It’s about feeling them.

The scars on the outside will

Fade and heal, but the ones

On the inside are still there.

They are a reminder that

You’re fighting battles

Everyday just like everyone else.

Whether you fought something

Physical or emotional,

It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that

You survived and

Made it through life.

We’re all survivors.