Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Bullies and Haters

We have all dealt with bullies at some point in our lives and a lot of us still deal with them to this very day. I don’t think there’s any specific definition for bullies because they come in all shapes and forms. They’re the mean girls who make fun of you. They’re the ones who take your lunch money. They’re emotional and sometimes physically abusive. They appear, disappear and reappear again. Another word that I think that is associated with bully is the word or term “hater.” Taylor Swift most famously uses it in her song “Shake It Off.” It’s a term used in pop culture when people are hating on other people. Why are bullies and why do they do such mean things? Nobody knows for sure because they may have insecurities of their own or they just hate other people just because.

Whatever the reason is behind the bullying, we won’t know for sure. I’ve dealt with bullies myself. I got teased a lot because I was the “smart” girl. I got good grades and mostly stayed out of trouble. I was also teased for the way I looked. I always had curly hair and glasses. People used to call me names like Shaggy (from Scooby Doo) and Napoleon (in terms of the movie “Napoleon Dynamite” which was popular when I was in school). I know people meant that to be funny, but it still all hurt a lot. I tried to speak up but not a lot of people heard me. I was (and I still am) the quiet and shy girl. You may think to yourself that doesn’t sound too bad, what  I dealt with, and that’s true. I’m sure a lot of other people had it a lot worse than I did.

Some people might say that there’s nothing to be done to stop bullying. That may be true in some cases, but there’s almost always something to do about it in most cases. Sometimes it’s just as simple as speaking up. Sometimes it’s better saying something (to the bully or to a teacher or to a boss) than saying nothing at all. Demi talks about this in her book. I wish a lot more people spoke up about bullying incidents when I was in school (and I wish I did it more myself). It’s never too late. Bullies are weak and try to put you down to make them feel better about themselves. Don’t give them that power to do that.

Believe it or not, bullying is hurtful. As much as I’ve dealt with it in school, I’ve also dealt with it in the real world and in the theatre world. There are always people who think they’re better than you. They think they can push you around and get away with things, but don’t let them think that. Speak up for yourself and be an advocate. You should be saying enough is enough. On that thought, I’m sharing a poem in the hopes we can show those bullies and haters who’s boss. In the end, we should try to better than those bullies. You’re you (as Demi says). People either hate you or love you for who you are. So be you and be better than those who try to bring you down.

You’re You

Words are thrown at you like weapons.

They don’t always feel so pleasant.

They feel like deep cuts to the soul.

They can put you in a black hole.

You say nothing in the hopes that

It all goes away. You need to shut

It all out. They shouldn’t affect you.

You are meant to shine through

Everything and rise on top.

They will all just drop

And fade away. They aren’t going

Anywhere. You’re showing

Them you’re going places.

All of those faces

And bullies project their insecurities

Onto you. They are hypocrisies

And should swallow their own words

When you are flying towards

Something beyond what they thought.

Freedom and success is what you sought.

Don’t let those people put you in retreat.

Make your own heartbeat.

Make them realize you’re courageous.

You’re moving on up to achieve greatness.

The Past – Letting Go

The past… It’s a topic we all know and talk about on a daily basis. Demi talks about it and Mandy Hale (another one of my role models) talks about it. They talk about it in similar ways, which is to learn from the past and remember that you are where you need to be now.  I know I’m guilty talking about the past and I know a lot of people are too. There’s no need to be super guilty about talking about it. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Talking about the past is like talking to an old friend or someone you just reconnected with recently. You may reminisce and catch up. It’s also like talking to someone new. You want to remember things in your childhood or good memories from school. However, there is a reason why it’s called the past. It has already happened and that’s where you need to leave it.

The past comes in many forms like previous jobs and previous experiences. Most of the time the past comes in the form in people and certain situations. In terms of people, there are past relationships with family, romantic partners, friends, and with other people you loved (or people who you were close with). In terms of certain situations, there are both good and bad things that happened. There are things that are good and there are things that happened that you want to completely forget about. Some people need to realize that certain people may not want to talk about their past because it was dark and/or not so good. That’s perfectly okay. The things you learn from your past are lessons learned. We all constantly make mistakes and that’s perfectly okay. You’re taking those mistakes/lessons and applying them as you move on in life. That moving on is to your present and future where you should be living. What I mean is that you should be living in the present but trying not to obsess too much about the past or future.

I know in this poem I’m posting down below talks about the past in terms of people, but this poem can be open to interpretation. Whether it has to do with people or things or whatever happened in your past, it doesn’t matter. All that I know is that we all have a past and that what connects us together. The past is sometimes painful, but it doesn’t always have to be. We have to take a look at our pasts, remembering both the good and the bad aspects.

In The Past

Take a breath

And let it go.

The past is in

The past.

The tears and

Sobs lodged

In the back

Of your throat

Don’t matter

Anymore.

They can’t hurt

You anymore.

They can’t bring

You down anymore.

They’re just people

And words that

Pretend to care.

That’s why they

Don’t change

And morph into

Something positive.

They stay negative

And bad. Ignore them.

That chapter is in

The past. All you

Can do is leave it all

In the past. Leave the

Baggage behind,

But never forget

What they have taught

You.

 

P.S. I wanted to add this quote, since I think it is relevant to this blog post. “Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone. Appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.”

Control

As Demi points out in her book and it’s also something I’ve been thinking about too, we all have the need to be in control. I’m not sure if it’s something we crave just because or if there’s a deeper meaning behind this whole idea of control. When I think of the word  “control” I think of something as simple as when I’m watching TV with my parents and someone has “control” over the remote when we’re watching. We may argue over who has the remote, who controls the volume, and who controls the channel (or content). Another word for control might be domination or something a bit over the top. I know control is hard to give up sometimes, it’s like giving up your power. However, giving up control doesn’t make you weak. Whether you’re in control or not, it doesn’t matter. It’s okay to feel out of control because that’s how life goes. Life can’t always be planned and is always in constant change.

I know I’ve said it’s okay to give up that control. Sometimes you have to hand it over to other people or just let it go in general. However, sometimes you have to be very careful who you hand that control over to. There are some people who have your best interests at heart, but there are those who you shouldn’t give that control to. One thing to always remember is to never let anybody have control over your life. It’s called your life for a reason because it’s yours and nobody else’s. Plans go hand in hand with control. Plans change all the time and that’s also okay. I am still learning to let things go and let things happen the way they do. Here’s to letting go of some of our control and not all of it.

Control

We wish we could relinquish control

But we have the need to uphold

Our fear and to hold

On for dear life. Otherwise the panic

Will set in and we’ll feel the manic

In our bones. We need to look at the panoramic

View and get rid of the anxiety.

Otherwise we’ll just hang onto the ivy.

We have to be in touch with our psyche.

Some things are hard to predict

Like feelings which are hard to admit.

If we go down to the stripped

And raw soul we can let go

Of the life we planned. The flow

Will always shift to and fro.

We can never change that but we

Have the power to see

And believe

That things happen for a reason.

Control can be like demons,

They can leave you screaming

Inside your head. Sometimes

It’s just easier to cross those lines

And to say those goodbyes.

P.S. Here’s the revised version of the above poem, with a little help from one of my friends. It has the same title as before.

Relinquish fear and hold
on for dear life. Otherwise panic
sets in and we’ll feel
manic in our bones.

Look to the panoramic view.
Anxiety winds round
us like ivy.
Touch the inner psyche.

Danger hard to predict.
Insecurities hard to admit.
Reveal the stripped soul and let go.
Float with the changes of the flow.

Control the demons inside.
Cross those lines.
Do what’s right:
say goodbyes.

Always Follow and Listen to Your Heart

I remember a while back ago I watched a movie on Neflix, appropriately titled “Listen to Your Heart.” It’s a real tear jerker for anybody who wants to get into a sappy but romantic movie. Of course there’s also a song by the same name by D.H.T. (an old song, but still good). People always seem to give me and other people advice on listening to their hearts. Sometimes there is a difference between listening to your heart and listening to your mind. First of all they are in different parts of your body (obviously). Secondly, they probably require different powers.
However, they are also probably similar in so many ways because they are both important to listen to no matter what. They also work in harmony together. Here we’re focusing on listening to and following the the heart because it’s like following your gut instincts. People always say to trust your gut instinct because it’s usually right. Your heart is a powerful weapon so use it without abusing its power. It can never (for the most part) lead you astray. It’s the combination of that and not listening to people telling you what to do with your life. Your life is yours and follow your heart, it knows the way, even if you get lost along the way.

I wrote this after saw the movie, “Listen to Your Heart,” which I still highly recommend for those who are into those types of movies. I hope this helps people in their quest to find the things they love doing, those things that they are passionate about and listening to their heart no matter what. As Taylor Swift says “I shake it off.”

Listening to Your Heart

You can’t listen to the

Voices in your head.

They are wrong and

They will make you

Steer off track and

Off tune. Open your

Heart and listen to it.

It will lead you to

The right song and

Right tune. You’ll be

Tuned into the right

Station. If you keep

What’s in here, in your

Heart, there are

Possibilities. Sometimes

It just takes one song

To lead you in the right

Direction and towards

Your dreams, something

You were always meant

To do.

P.S. Just as a side note, some of these are older poems and some of them are newer ones. Bear in mind they may need changes (and that I may make some edits to them as I go on with this blog).

Upside Down Life

I’ve realized life doesn’t go always as planned. Some days are good and other days are bad. Life changes on a daily basis. Things could be going good and then life gets turned upside down. I know life is tough and bad things happen. Life is difficult. I know that we we all lose hope and faith sometimes. Sometimes life will turn right side up and sometimes it will stay sideways or upside down or can be all over the place. In retrospect, we could all use that hope and faith.

I wrote this when I was going through a bad situation. I wrote this when I was in a bad place, but I hope this serves as a sense of inspiration for people who are going through bad times and rough patches. I found a quote somewhere saying that “It may be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.” So in other words, you can be in bad place now, but it can’t stay that way forever.

Although I won’t mention Demi directly, it all goes hand in hand with being your own best friend. Jobs come and go. People come and go. You can’t let those get you down. You’ve got to rise above it and get what you deserve. We all deserve happiness and love. That’s a given in life. Sometimes it takes time to get what we deserve, but you can’t give up! So I hope this poem lifts you up and reminds you to keep going on because it doesn’t matter what you did in the past. Being your own best friend means getting what you deserve in life. All that matters is that you learn and move on with your life. Enjoy!!

Happy

Life has its ups and downs.

Sometimes it throws us off

The edge and hoping we’ll live.

Sometime life hurts and

Makes us unhappy.

That’s why we leave things,

Places and people behind.

It’s not because

They’re completely bad

And awful. It’s because we

Keep on walking forward.

They teach us what we want

And don’t want in life.

We know there’s something

Better out there for us.

Doors keep opening

And closing. That’s

Why they’re revolving doors.

Life keeps going and we’re

Given new hope every day.

We deserve to be appreciated

And loved for what we bring to

The table. We don’t have time

For things that weigh us

Down and makes us feel

Unwanted. We don’t want to

Feel undervalued and

Under appreciated for

Things that are out of

Our control. We don’t have

Room in our lives for people

Only pointing out our weaknesses.

If it doesn’t serve us

Then we certainly don’t need it.

We need to be appreciated

And valued for being strong.

We are dedicated and hard

Working individuals who

Deserve chances. Life

Can’t knock us down.

We can only get back up

If we do. We deserve to

Be happy

Because happiness

Is the most important

Thing in life to have.

That and love. We deserve

Love too. We want to have

A lifetime of happiness and love.

Being Your Own Best Friend

I am lucky enough to have really amazing 2 best friends and other friends I’m really close to. They mean the world to me. However, one thing I have learned, especially going through school and bad times myself, is that no matter how many BFFs and good friends you have, it’s always important to be your own best friend. That is one thing Demi talks about and I think it’s very important to emphasize here. I made the decision to move across the country for college (still one of the best choices I’ve made). That meant leaving my BFF (we’ve been best friends since elementary school) and my other close friends I’ve made throughout my life at that point behind. It meant I had to make new friends and meant I had to start over again (of making friends). In between all of that I had to learn to be my own best friend because there I was, on my own and a little nervous.

The friends I made at McDaniel were (and are still) amazing!! All my friends up through college have been there for me. I think being your own best friend goes hand in hand with taking care of yourself, which means to stop chasing people and things that are no longer good for you. So I’m sorry for cutting some people out (that is a gift for myself). Taking care of yourself means taking care of your physical and mental health.

I have to admit that I’ve had many rough patches and have days where I felt like I couldn’t do anything. In those moments I am grateful for my friends and family but I am also grateful for myself. Additionally, I am thankful for pushing myself through those days and rough patches. More importantly it’s always about loving yourself no matter what, even on those days where you feel insecure and bad about yourself. This poem goes to all those people who ever feel they need self confidence and serves as a reminder to treat yourself as good as Demi says we should. This poem is self-explanatory, but think of it as a love letter to yourself (from a woman’s perspective).

Loving Yourself

Take a look into the mirror,

Really take a hard look.

Do you see her?

She’s an important person.

She’s you and she’s me.

For a moment,

Forget about being there

For other people.

You need to be there

For yourself.

People, they come

And go. They leave

And some of them

Never come back.

But there will be

One person with you

Every day and that’s

Yourself. You can be

The only one to pick

Yourself up when

You’re surrounded

By darkness.

She’ll see your

Worth and

Determination

Even when nobody

Else sees it.

She’ll be there

When you’re feeling

Ugly and alone.

She reminds you

To be good to yourself.

She gets you over

The pain and heartbreak.

She’s the one

To give you a pep talk.

She gets you over

The bumps in the road.

She’ll be there to

Remind you to breathe.

She helps you find yourself.

She’ll tell you to

Let it all go.

She’ll be the shoulder

To cry on. She’ll be the

One to crack a smile

Or a joke.

Don’t let her leave

You behind

And most importantly

Take care of her because

You need each other.

She’s much more

Than a part of you.

Don’t forget that.

She’s the mind,

The heart, soul

And the true essence

Of everything.

She’s fearless.

She’s unapologetic.

She’s tough. She’s

A fighter. She’s kind.

She’s gentle.

Give her love. She’s

The one who deserves it

Just as much as

Everybody else does.

Loving her and

Letting her live are

The best things

To do for her

And for yourself.

There, she’ll survive

And thrive.

She’ll bloom and

You’ll never

Regret anything.

She’s your best friend.

She’ll help you more

Than anything or

Anybody else.

P.S. It goes hand in hand with my theme of messy ties. As much as it’s important to have connections with other people, it is also important to have a (good) connection with ourselves. Like I said before (in a previous post) “love is all you need.”

“All You Need Is Love”

There’s a song title by the same name (by The Beatles) and Demi talks about it for today’s entry. Love isn’t always easy to come by and saying “I love you” to someone isn’t always easy to say. The closest thing I have to love is loving all those close to me. It starts with my parents (for whom I am forever grateful for) to my close family and friends. The list goes on and on. Demi says to show people and tell people that you love them. She goes on to say to bake them something or shout it from the roof tops or write them a letter. This is probably the closest thing to any of those things. The people who I love mean the world to me. They love me right back and always encourage me to keep going every day no matter what. In other words, I guess saying “I love you” is like saying thank you. I could never love anybody better than those people. The list goes on to my 2 BFFs (Marcia and BreAnna), my grandma, all my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my close friends (especially Katalin and Nancy), my other friends, and my extended family (those of you who aren’t blood related). I appreciate each and every one of you. I love you all so much! For today’s entry I don’t have a poem (sorry), but this for everybody!! This is my way of using my talents to show my love for you all.

Be Fearless

Demi talks about being fearless in one of her entries in her book and so does Taylor Swift in her album by the same name. Here’s a part of what Taylor says that’s in the album cover booklet: “To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death…” I think it’s up to us what to do about those fears, but that’s besides the point. We’re all scared, that’s just a part of life. That’s one thing I always try to strive to be, regardless of the situation or what happens in life.

I think that’s why I’m so drawn to theatre and performing arts, especially acting. First of all, people have always told me I’m fearless and bold because it takes courage to even try acting. My acting teachers that I’ve had always say to be fearless in the choices you make, both on and off stage (thanks Elizabeth). Nobody can make those choices for you, only you can. And secondly to perform in front of other people is being fearless.

Fearlessness goes hand in hand with being vulnerable. People told me I’m fearless for starting this blog. Other people say I’m fearless for writing and sharing my work with the world. That’s being fearless and vulnerable. I know that I can be fearless and vulnerable in many aspects of my life. However, one thing I’m trying to be more fearless and vulnerable about is expressing my feelings to other people. It’s about being honest and being open. When you’re vulnerable and fearless it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re willing to share and receive things that are sometimes deep down. It’s all about being strong in the end.

You can’t always hide things deep down where they’re bottled up. I found this quote that says that, “Sometimes you can hurt yourself more than anyone can hurt you just by keeping all your feelings hidden.” I think it’s better to have everything out in the open rather than keeping things hidden. I know it’s hard, but it’s worth a try. Feelings are as real and vulnerable as they come. Through this I am sharing things that are personal. 

Real Feelings

Feelings cannot be pushed

Away and shoved aside

Because feelings are real.

They aren’t to be judged

Or criticized. I can try to

Fight those feelings and

Pretend they don’t exist

Or I can show them

For people to see.

Don’t you feel them too?

It’s like putting your hand

Over my heart and hearing

It beat. You have control

Over it as much as I do.

It’s a rhythm that won’t stop

Until I take my last breath.

These feelings for you

Don’t and won’t go away.

They only grow stronger

With more connection

And force. It’s erupting

Like molten lava.

I hope you’re there to

Catch the spill overflowing.

Once it starts it can’t stop

Unless you’re willing to

Mop it all up and let it

All dry up.

Update: Somewhere New

As I’ve said previously, I was determined to follow Demi’s goal of going somewhere new. I’m a person who tries to follow through (I’m just that type of person). I had a plan that didn’t exactly work the way I wanted to. Let’s backtrack for a bit, so I stayed up the night before this excursion. I remembered going on a hike with my good friend Zoë a while a back ago to watch the sunset (I thought for some reason it was the Berkeley Fire Trail but maybe I was wrong). Anyways, after some planning and research, I was prepared.

Of course I made some alterations as I went along. I even printed directions from Google Map (which of course I ended up leaving at home later on before I left). My plan was to wake up and try to make it up there before sunrise (that ended up not happening). I woke up and got ready. I headed out the door and got the directions on my phone. I followed the directions exactly and it’s not where I originally planned on going.

At that point I wanted to give up (even on the way to where I was going I wanted to go back home), but like I said before I’m someone who follows through. I ended up where the directions ended and was a little closer to where I wanted to be. I started following some people and was pretty close to where I wanted to end up. I followed the trail and somehow ended up at at the bottom of the Lawrence Hall of Science, a place where I went to when I was a kid. I was going to head back home, almost defeated at that point when I saw a good vantage point. It was exactly what I wanted to see. All I wanted to see was a panoramic view of the East Bay and part of the other side of the bay.

It got a little misty and started raining (luckily I was all bundled up). At that point I sat down and took it all in. I brought my camera along to take some pictures and I took some photographs on my iPhone too. I also brought my poetry notebook to write some things down before I forgot. The trek was exhausting and longer than what I was planning or expecting, but it was all worthwhile. I met Demi’s goal (which is also mine).

Keep scrolling!! You’ll find some pictures and a poem, describing my experience. Enjoy!!

Somewhere New

A view worth seeing.
Nothing can capture the
Beauty of my beloved city,
Not even a photograph.
Nothing can beat a
Stunning view of the
Place I’m lucky enough to
Call my home. I live in the hustle
And bustle of the city I grew up in.
It’s not until you get away from
The city noise and traffic
That you explore
Something new. You get peace
And quiet up here. You can think
And take a moment or two
To catch your breath after
The strenuous, but so
Worthwhile trek. Up here,
Away from the city you
Disconnect from technology
And you start to look at
Things with a fresh eye.
You gain a whole new perspective
Of the place that you thought
You really know like the back
Of your hand. You start to realize
How big the world truly is.
We become thankful for
The things we have.
We’re the lucky ones to
Live where we live. We have
Clothes to wear, food to eat,
Water to use, and
A roof over our heads. Some
Other people in this world aren’t
So lucky. They’re barely surviving.
We’re lucky to breathe.
I’m taking it all in with a
Mental picture before it goes away.
This is where I am, in this moment.
This is somewhere new.
It’s a place where I sometimes
Get lost and feel stuck.
But I’m still living
And still learning as I go.
As I’ve learned life can go as fast
Or as slow as we want it to go.
I’m forever grateful for
Moments like this in my lifetime.
These are moments to cherish
And to get us unstuck.
East Bay
East Bay
Panoramic view of East Bay.
Panoramic view of East Bay.

Somewhere New

On January 2nd, Demi wrote “Goal: Stay open to anything and take a day (or week) seeing a new part of the world. If you can’t afford to take time off work then visit a new neighborhood in your own town. Be grateful for everything you have.” Like Demi, I’ve been very lucky enough to have travelled a lot to different places around the world from the time I was in my mom’s stomach when she was pregnant up until I was an adult. One of my first trips abroad was when I was nine months old and we went to Paris where we saw the Tour de France. My parent have instilled in me and in my siblings that we should take advantage of travelling while we still can.

There are many reasons why I chose to attend McDaniel College, clear across the country from my home state and city. When I was applying for colleges I chose colleges all across the country. I’m lucky to have the parents I do because they sat me down when I was looking at colleges and told me I can go anywhere I wanted to. I looked at very little schools located in California because I told myself as a California native that I was ready for a change. I grew up in the same area for many years and I wanted something different. The other reason why I chose McDaniel was because I knew if I was across the country I could become independent, something I had always dreamed about. People still ask me to this very day why I chose McDaniel. I tell them the reason why and I think to myself how much I’m happy that I made that choice. Sure, I was homesick, but who hasn’t gone through that at some point? I also wouldn’t have met the people I would have.

Going somewhere new is good which is why I vow that tomorrow (not today) since it’s late already, is the day I’m going to go to a new part of my city of Oakland. I’m going to trek on the Berkeley Fire Trail and try to watch the sunset. I would go to a new part of the world, but money is a little tight these days. I’ll give you all an update tomorrow. In the meanwhile, I’m leaving today with a poem.

On the Edge

She wants to be
Wild and crazy.
She wants to live
On the edge because
She’s tired of playing
It safe. She wants
The wind in her hair
As she heads
Towards freedom.
She’s tired of
People saying no.
She wants to be in
A new city and a new
Part of the world.
She wants everything
To be carefree and to
Have some kind
Of meaning.