Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Overcoming Addiction & Recovery

This is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. I know that a lot of people struggle with addiction on a daily basis. It is like what Jm Storm says. “we’re all just a bunch of addicts, struggling with our drug of choice.” Whether it is drugs, alcohol, gambling, or something else, it can be difficult to quit cold turkey. An addiction can also come in the form of a person. I think it is quite possible to become addicted to another person. Many of us have been struggling with these issues for many years. Addiction is not easy for the addicts themselves, but it can also take a toll on the people around him/her. It can be draining and sucking the energy/life out of everyone involved. Addiction can also be self destructive which leads me into this next quote. “The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.” That is why quitting your addictions is so hard. It is sometimes like cutting off something that you needed in order to survive and live.

What comes after addiction is what we call the “recovery” process and that could include anything from rehab to therapy, etc. I admire those who realize that they have a problem and decide to overcome their addictions because recovery is just as hard as the addiction itself. DW says “Those who overcome addictions may be the strongest people on the planet.” Those people are strong and brave. They are my personal heroes. I thought I would combine these two subjects together because they go together. You cannot overcome addiction without the recovery process. To some people it is scary to enter the recovery and sobriety phases because they realize that they cannot rely on the things they used to before. It is pretty much like starting your life over or starting with a new slate. It is one of the scariest things to do in life.

How people choose to recover is their own decision. In other words, it varies from person to person and is very personal. Recovery is all about acceptance. That leads me into my next quote by Jamie Lee Curtis. She says “Recovery is an acceptance that your life is in shambles and you have to change it.” So in other words you have to accept that your life is falling apart and you have to be willing to change it. I have been wanting to talk about this subject for a long time and I finally feel like I have the courage to publish this post. I hope whatever it is that people are addicted to, they take the courage to get over that addiction. I know that it is hard, especially if it something that passes down from one generation to the next like alcoholism. Anyways, I hope this post and poem provides some inspiration, especially for those who are struggling with their addictions every day. I am thinking about each and every one of you! This post is what I am concluding 2020 with. I will see you in the new year!! Cheers!

Letting Go of Addiction

Maybe it is your eyes that drew me in and got me hooked,
But there is something about you that is like a piece of art.
You know how to fuel my addiction like adding wood to
The burning fire. Every time that you glanced and looked
My way it is like my soul had a mind of its own. My heart
And essence is what you took. Some part of me just knew
That I did not want any of it back. I just knew that it was
Going to be coming back to me bloody and blue. It is like
You squeezed the life out of something I used to think
Was so beautiful and chaotic. You sunk your sharp claws
Deeply into me, trying to keep me in place like a shrike
Looking for its next prey. It is when I got to the brink
And edge of destruction that I finally thought I needed
To break this endless cycle. I could not keep going back
To something that would leave me with nothing that I
Could mend, fix, rebuild or begin anew. It is as if I weeded
Out all the bad toxins. My life had to get on the right track
Again. I had to push aside all the tears I knew I would cry
When I was missing you and during the detoxification
Process. That is when I begin to heal and rise up from
The ashes like a phoenix. That is when I knew I had
To stop the addiction. I depart from a new station
And a new place, going towards the light. With some
New and old memories along the way. Being clad
In armor, but not being afraid to let new things
And experiences come in. Once again I find my wings.

Letting Go of Regrets

Ever since I have started this blog I have been doing a lot of reflection over the course of my life. I think I have some regrets and I think a lot of us in some way or another have some regrets too. We just have to release them. I know that is a difficult thing to do, but we cannot control our regrets. All we can do is learn from them and release them. A huge step in order to release our regrets is self-forgiveness. That leads me to my first quote of this post by James Van Praagh who says, “The burden of regret can weigh us down heavily on our spiritual journey. The best way to release regret is to forgive ourselves.” Like I said before self-forgiveness or forgiving ourselves is very important in order to release our regrets because if we cannot forgive ourselves these regrets hold us back and keep each one of us from moving on.

The truth is that we cannot hold onto these regrets, whether it was loving the wrong person or letting them stay for too long or something that we think about as the days, months and years go on. It keeps us from looking forward. That brings me to my next quote by Jackie Joyner-Kersee. She says, “It’s better to look ahead and prepare, than to look back and regret.” In other words we cannot keep looking back because that is where our regrets are and we just have to keep looking ahead. I could go on and on about regrets, but I will end the post here. I want to conclude this post with one final quote. Charlene Costanzo says, “May you allow fear to soften and melt. May you release all regrets and resentments.” In other words let go of everything that is no good like regrets and resentment. I hope that you all enjoy your Christmas, which is right around the corner. I also hope that you all enjoy the following poem!

Released Regrets

I am sorry that I had you stay for too long
Because the truth is that you really belong
To someone else. I was hanging onto our
Love for eternity and as the midnight hour
Came in the light I could not keep clinging
On for dear life anymore as it kept raining.

Whatever sunlight and happiness we once
Faded away. The days turning into months
And the months turning into years meant
Nothing if the love we had was totally bent
Out of shape or empty. I am sorry for all of
The times I could have been able to love

Sometime else. I am sorry for making you
And me feel like we really had a chance to
Make everything work. I am sorry for all
The hope or wishful thinking. As the wall
Kept crumbling and falling I am sorry for
Fixing it instead of having the next door

Open and walking through it. I am sorry
For wanting to rebuild the clear and starry
Sky instead of me realizing that it was not
Meant to be repaired in the end. I forgot
That love does not come to everyone just
As easily. The easiness of love and trust

Was fully gone as I kept dragging our love
Through the cold dirt and muck instead of
Letting it grow and blossom like it should
Have done from the start. Where I stood
Then is different than where I stand now.
I should have let you take your last bow

And make your final exit, but you lingered
Still. Let me lift my finger off the trigger
As the regrets swarm and cloud my head.
I have laid my regrets and made my bed.
Let me feel all the peace flow in my veins
Free me from all these heavy bloodstains.

Heartbreak, Depression, Anger And All That (Not) Good Stuff

I know that I have talked about some of these topics in the past so I am only going to skim over these topics once again since it is that time of year when people get into that kind of funk. If you combine heartbreak, depression, anger and all of that other stuff there is sure to be some sadness there too. It is something not necessarily good. I think that this quote sums it up a little bit. “Loneliness, trust issues, depression, suppressed anger. These are some symptoms given from heartbreak.” In other words there are symptoms that stem from heartbreak. It is like your heart is torn in two. There is something about those feelings and emotions that you will not trust. That is the scary thing about heartbreak, depression and anger. You cannot even trust yourself sometimes and you will not always like what you see in the mirror.

That is why I titled the poem “Never Again.” You have to keep saying no to situations and people who put you in those scenarios where you get heartbroken, depressed and angry. It is going to keep happening over and over again. It is the cycle of life. I may have said this before and I will say it again. If you ever feel heartbroken, depressed and angry in unhealthy doses seek help. Whether it is reaching out to a loved one or seeking professional help never be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I know I have been there before and that is why I always give that advice. SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY! And I cannot reiterate that enough. In a lot of cases it is better to seek help from a professional. A friend or loved one can certainly help but sometimes they are not equipped to help. Lots of love to everyone who is going through something that is making them heartbroken, depressed and angry. You will get to the other side of it all! Cheers!!

Never Again

I hope you remember that I was the one who stuck
By your side through all the rain and rough patches,
But when I was the one who was really in the muck

You just left me to sink to rock bottom. The matches
Burned out and you left me all alone in the darkness
With no way to see or claw my way out. The scratches

And bruises made me feel ugly. I felt lonely, heartless
And lashed out on people who were just trying to assist.
I used to believe in the stars and moon, but the starless

Nights taught me to never trust when I was in the midst
Of my storm just like I could never trust any of the love
That ran through my veins. I told myself I could not exist

In a world filled with fake love and every mourning dove
That would take my sorrows away. I buried everything
Deep so no one can touch one thing I should be proud of;

The endless love that is bottomless. I know I cannot bring
Myself to the table where I know I am the one who gets
Left behind. I could no longer be your toy or plaything

When you get bored and lonely. I am the one who quits
You like a bad habit. You are the extinguished cigarettes.

Water Under the Bridge

So I am sure you have heard of the following phrase water under the bridge. What does it mean? After looking it up here is what it means (source is dictionary.com). “Water under the bridge refers to past events, especially fights or disagreement, that are forgiven, forgotten, or otherwise no longer considered important.” So more or less water under the bridge is something of the past. We cannot change things in the past, but we still move on. That brings me to my first quote of this post. “The wise treat yesterday’s problems as water under a bridge. Where the unwise will treat them as a place to build a dam.” In other words, the wise and mature ones will think of things of the past as water under the bridge or in some ways resolved/forgotten while others will keep building upon their problems like a dam. I think of it in terms of a past romantic relationship like eventually it can be water under the bridge, especially if there were problems and that can take patience and time when both partners are mature enough to handle it.

Sometimes it is not all water under the bridge, especially when those problems go unresolved and fester, especially with abuse of any kind. I really hope that people do not let that happen. In addition to patience and time it also takes forgiveness. You just have to wish people the best no matter what, even if they hurt you or if you hurt them. I am one of those people who wishes everyone the best no matter what, especially during these weird and strange times. It is like what Ike Turner says. He says “I’m not gonna try to defend, or undo what’s been done. All I could say about whatever’s been done, it’s been done, and it’s water under the bridge. I have no regrets of my life.” So in other words we cannot undo the past and we should not have any regrets in life.

I am urging my readers to let their past problems flow and drift away like water under the bridge. In a way it is like you are getting closure and clarity. I did want to post this with Thanksgiving right around the corner because being able to move on from our pasts is one more thing to be grateful for. Forgiveness is also another thing to be grateful for. That brings me to the last quote of this post by Pema Tshokye, who says, “My past is like water under the bridge and my future is distant sun on the horizon of my imagination.” So in other words, our past is like all the water under the bridge and our future is something that is bright like a light on the horizon. I want to conclude this post with the following poem. I hope that you all enjoy this one!!

Water Under the Bridge

You popped back up in my life after years
Of not talking and this time there are no
Expectations. But I do not expect things
To go back to like what they were before

The storm, chaos and without any tears
Or fears in the way. We continue to grow
Every day despite the setbacks and flings
With other people. What life has in store

For us, especially during these weird and
Strange times is forgiveness. No one can
Ever replace the hole you left behind, but
No one could ever mend the love we used

To have either. No one could hold my hand
Or heart like you did. We should have ran
And thrown everything all away. In this rut
And pit stop life tempts us with confused

Or muddled love when in fact we should
Be remembering the love that should be
So simple or singular like the one heart
That beats for you. It is all water under

The bridge despite everything that could
Have swept us away like anger or the sea
Of resentment. We are one step or start
From leaving every mistake and blunder

In the past while we have moved on, but in
The end we are far from where we have been.

Game of Chess

I have never been particularly good at playing chess. It definitely requires concentration and strategy, after all it requires to win the game by check mating the king. That leads me to my first quote of this post by Garry Kasparou who says, “Chess helps you concentrate, improve your logic. It teaches you to play by the rules and take responsibility for your actions, how to problem solve in an uncertain environment.” So in other words, chess can help us in so many ways in real life. It teaches you survival and problem solving for example.

I am going to do something interesting here by comparing life to a game of chess. That leads me to another quote, this one by Allan Rufus. He said, “Life is like a game of chess. To win you have to make a move.
Knowing which move to make comes with IN-SIGHT and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are acculated along the way. We become each and every piece within the game called life!” He sums it up perfectly for why life is like a game of chess.

Like I said before, in order to win the game you have to capture the king and be able to say checkmate which is when the other player is all out of moves. This is another way in which life is like a game of chess. A lot of the time you have to make moves in silence. That leads me to my next quote which is pretty straightforward. “Move in silence, only speak when its time to say checkmate.” So in other words, do not announce your moves to anyone. You do not want anyone, especially your enemies to know any of your moves ahead of time. You just want to keep them guessing.

Some people might think an important piece is a pawn or maybe the king because that is who a chess player wants to protect, but I personally think that one of the important and powerful pieces is the queen. That leads me to these next quotes, the first by Karim R. Ellis who says, “A king may be the most important piece on the chess board however the queen is the most powerful as she performs more moves than any other token. Men take notes.” The other quote is by Tiffany Reisz who says, “The king was the strong piece, of course. The most important chess piece and the most vulnerable to attack. But the queen… the queen was the most powerful chess piece. More powerful than the king. And the queen could move any way she wanted…” Those quotes sum it up perfectly of why the queen is the most important and powerful pieces. She can go in any direction she chooses and is not limited in how many squares she can move in. Horizontal, vertical, or diagonal. It does not matter.

Let’s move onto the king and the whole meaning behind chess. Like I said before… the whole point of chess is to capture the king. This next and final quote sums up what chess is all about. “In chess, the king is the most important piece. The object of the game is to trap the opponent’s king so that its escape is not possible (checkmate). If a player’s king is threatened with capture, it is said to be in check, and the player must remove the threat of capture on the next move. If it cannot be done, the king is said to be in checkmate. Although the king is the most important piece, it is usually the weakest piece in the game until a later phase, the endgame.” So in other words, the king can be an important piece as well as being the weakest piece too. I know there is a lot to absorb and remember here, but the main thing is that although chess is just a game it can teach us a thing or two about the real world. I am including a poem here. It won me runner up for a competition I participated in on DUP. I hope that my readers really enjoy this one. Cheers!!

Game of Chess

Make your moves in silence as one does
In a game of chess. Watch out as pawns
Become castles, knights, bishops, queens
And kings. Do not second guess because
In those moments of weakness the swans
Take advantage. Mirrors or smoke screens

Will advert you from the truth as you keep
Your guard up with your knifes sharpened
And ready. Calculate your moves so your
Enemies do not see you slipping or asleep.
To them you are like a decaying carcass,
But little do they know you won the war

And the game they came to play. My dear,
It is already check and checkmate. They
Should just give up the game as you are
The true queen. They should not only fear
You, but also underestimate. You will stay
Useless in their eyes, but you are the star.

Ocean Vuong Tribute

Here is another featured poet that I just recently discovered thanks to a contest I participated in on DUP. His name is Ocean Vuong. With his birthday coming up on October 14 I am posting this. The poem that inspired my poem is titled “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous.” I put my own spin on it. If you want to see his poem click here. Otherwise I am going to let my poem speak for itself. Enjoy!!!!

Beautiful Memories (Ocean Vuong Tribute)

I see the lust and hunger in your eyes,
green like the meadows we spend our
summers trampling through as children.

Home… Who would have thought we
would come back to the place where we
began and started. Memories filter in like
all the times we sat on the front porch
waiting and watching. Or when we laid
down on the soft grass and we would
see the stars shatter and break like
bullets going straight for the heart.

Did you know how many times I saw
you cry and how I wished I could do
something about it? I never saw such
beauty until I saw you pray for miracles
in the middle of every disaster you faced.

I wish we could go back to where we were
most beautiful with your hair as a tangled
mess and feeling your heat through my shirt.

Your heartbeat was my favorite sound as
the silence was so loud. Your feet on the
dashboard as we would follow the moon
everywhere. Your laughter and meaningful
conversations that kept us up all night until
we saw the sunlight bleeding on the horizon.

I never knew love until I saw your eyes
change from lust and hunger to love and
adventure. I wanted to spend all my days
with you by my side as the world has so
much beauty. In between your fingertips
I see the real you that no one else knows.

So let me know you as beautiful and
imperfect. Sunshine and rain. Whole
and incomplete like a puzzle. Autumn
and winter. Spring and summer. I just
want to know what you would look like
with wrinkles yet still having that sparkle
in your eyes like you never truly aged
at all. I would love you even more.

Keep On Living & Moving Forward

Sometimes grief hits us like a tidal wave. Well… sometimes that is how it feels to me because sometimes it just hits us out of nowhere. This post is all about moving on from that grief. Sometimes all we can do is to just keep on living and moving forward without that person. It could be losing someone literally or figuratively. We have to come to realize that the world just keeps moving forward, which brings me to my first quote of this post. “The world moves on with or without you.” I know that sounds harsh, but it is the honest truth. Whether we realize it or not the world just keeps moving and turning. Sometimes we cannot stop for anything, including grief.

Sometimes it hurts because you thought that person was going to be around for the long haul, but something happened and all of a sudden you are left to move and walk forward without them. In some way you have to let go of them. That brings me to my next quote. “There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.” That is the sad truth about life. It is not all perfect, but we still have to move forward with our lives. Sometimes that person is still right alongside you even if they are not physically here with you and sometimes it is okay to walk alone. They would want you to keep moving forward, even if it was without them.

I know that this post is all over the place, but I want to conclude my talking a little bit about my poem that goes along with the theme of this post. The below poem is inspired by the following quote (which turns out to be a part of a poem written by Pablo Neruda). He says, “My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping but I shall go on living.” The line is very similar to a line from his poem “The Dead Woman.” I submitted this poem for a competition I took part in on DUP called “From Our Differences In Life And Death Is Born Love Eternal” and it won first place. There was a video (click here to view it) that inspired this poem too. I hope that you all enjoy it!

Steps Forward (Without You)

It is hard imaging you not being here
Right now, but for both of us I have to
Walk towards a better tomorrow, one
Foot in front of the other like you have

Always taught me. You always steer
Me, not in the direction where you
Were laid to rest, but where the sun
Still shines the brightest. Your valve

And battery decided to give up, but
I will keep living. I will keep thriving if
It means I can still remember you and
Your smiles. I never knew it was love

Until I saw your eyes and in this rut
You held me as the edges of the cliff
Became sharper. As we held hands
That night I knew it was the dove

Who delivered its message. “Keep
Moving forward darling. I know that
You are tired and you do not want
To move on without me, but I am still

Here in the breath you inhale deeply
Into your lungs. I am still in the flat
Curve of your laughter. Ghosts haunt
You, but I still keep you safe. The thrill

And yell escaping your mouth shows
That I am alongside you on this roller
Coaster ride. Do not lose those west
Coast vibes I fell in love with when we

First met or easy smiles as time slows
Down for our magical kiss. The solar
Eclipse got nothing on the stars winking
At us night after night. We were sinking

Our feet into the soft earth, getting lost
In the steady heartbeat of the world.”
We were programmed, but at what cost?
To feel nothing, but I felt it as you curled

Up against my chest looking at me like
I had all the answers and the cure. I did
Not know that it was your last strike
Of the game. Life came to a quick skid

And halt after your last breath, but I just
Knew that to honor your memory I had
To keep pushing on. You laid the trust
And happiness in me so I am not sad.

Who I Am & Here For a Reason

People on a daily basis ask themselves who they are or who will they become. I cannot answer those questions for them because I am trying to figure out for myself the answers to those questions. I can only be myself. That may be a person who never hides who she is. She is also an artist and poet. She is a woman. She is a daughter. She is a sister. She is human. She is a friend. She is everything. Mostly, she is a very important person in this world. I want to dive right in with my first quote of this post. Brigitte Nicole says, “I am who I am. Not who you think I am. Not who you want me to be. I am me.” In other words, I am me and no one else. Being myself is very important and I am not someone who hides who she is unless it is for a really good reason. I think it also best to surround yourself with people who let you be that person. If you cannot be yourself then you are honestly surrounding yourself with the wrong people.

We are all here for some reason. We sometimes figure out the moment we are born into this world and most of the time it can take a while longer to figure out that reason. That brings me into my next quote by Osho. He says, “Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny–he has something to fulfill, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally–you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.” So in other words, there is a purpose for our existence in this world. Whether it is to provide some hope, wisdom, love, leadership, laughter, inspiration, etc., it does not matter what we do. We all have this idea of who we are supposed to become or who we think who we are supposed to become, but a lot of the time it is in our own heads. We listen to others and who they think we should become, but those ideals are wrong too. A part of becoming who we are meant to be is letting go of who we were, like who we were in our past life. That brings me to my next quote by Carrie Bradshaw from Sex In the City. She says, “Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” That quote right there ties my two themes in this post together perfectly.

I really wanted to post this on my birthday this year because why not?! I have always take the time to reflect on who I am and who I want to become. So I am strongly encouraging my readers to take this time to really reflect on who they are and who they want to become as well. I want to conclude this post with one final quote from Ramana Maharshi, who says, “The question ‘Who am I? is not really meant to get an answer, the question ‘Who am I?’ is meant to dissolve the questioner.” So in other words there is no true or wrong answer to the question “Who am I?”because it is only meant to

Who Will I Be?

Some say I came into the world with fire
In my veins and the truth in my heart.
If one stands close enough they can see
And feel the emotions, including desire
I wear on my sleeve every day. I start
From scratch because it is who I will be,

And become. They see that fire turns into
Water, something calm below the surface.
To them I am God because they think I have
That much power, but I am only like the blue
And calm sky. I am the raindrops they trace
With their silky fingertips and as they halve

Their love they are born with I am there as
A reminder to be gentle, yet free. Kind yet
Brave. Smart yet balanced. Happy yet elated.
Because I know the fire and I know the topaz
Flames. I know pain. I know the burnt cigarette
And I certainly know how much the world waited.

Your Reasons to Exist

You were made to be loved and to love
With all of your heart. Even as you are
Sinking all you have to do is look above
The dense clouds and see the North Star

Shining bright like a compass. You were
Given a reason to be born and walk with
The ground below your feet. The liqueur
Gives you courage and as the wordsmith

Inside of you emerges from the ashes it
Gives you the strength to live a life you
Dreamed about. You choose to either fit
In like the perfect puzzle piece or to do

What the world has never seen before;
Become the reason to walk back to shore.

Last Day

I have always wondered what we would all do or remember on our last day. I would think we would remember all the good things and everything we did. I feel like when it is our time to go it is really time to go which leads me into my first quote of this post which says exactly that. Ronnie Van Zant says, “If it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.” Sometimes it is as simple as that. We should not spend our last days holding onto regrets of what we did not do because we should just enjoy our last day instead of worrying. We remember all the people we loved and the adventures we had along the way. One of the comments I got on this piece when I posted it to DUP was “It’s really interesting what specific memories or moments of life that are dearest to us and what we take with us when we eventually all cross to the other side.” We hold certain memories close to us.

We think to ourselves of what we would do with our last days. I keep repeating myself, I know, but this subject is very important. We can keep saying that we do not and should not care about what we do in our last days, but think of it this way. I think Steve Jobs says it perfectly. “If you live each day as if it were your last, someday you’ll be right. Every morning I looked in the mirror and asked myself: If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I do today?” In other words tomorrow is not promised and would we happy with what we are doing now? It really would make me think long and hard about if I am happy of where my life is right now if I were to die tomorrow.

I do not want to keep this piece super long, but I want to conclude with a quote by Paulo Coelho who says, “It’s best to live as if it were the first and last day of my life.” So in other words live each day as if it could be the first and last day if that makes sense at all. We get too worried when our time comes and we do not live in that moment. We get too caught up in a love we did not have and in the bad memories. I just want people to remember all the good things. I would want people to be remembered in a good way. This poem focuses on all the good aspects of living our last days. This featured poem won runner up for a competition on DUP. I hope all my readers enjoy this poem!!! Cheers.

My Last Day

As a new morning and the day is breaking
On the far horizon will you remember me?
I hope you do not forget me my darling as
I know my time on this big earth is coming

To an end and I am free from the aching
Pain. I am drifting closer to the vast sea’s
Shoreline. I am following the tiny compass
As I could hear the monotonous humming

And I feel way closer to home. I know that
We will be reunited some day as the days
And the nights are filled with promises or
Dreams. In these final moments it is just

Us as we are lying on our backs on the flat
Rooftop, looking at the stars as the rays
Of sunshine are gone. We cannot ignore
That this is what built our love and trust.

I know this is what forever is supposed to
Be like. Being here in this moment with
You is all I ever wanted, but god is calling
My name as he beckons me to the white

Heavens. I paint my name across the blue
Sky as you smile, thinking of me. A myth
I formulated in my head about crawling
On all fours to be able to survive or fight

Is fading into the background as I did all
I could to feel fulfilled so I do not depart
With regrets. I said I would never leave
You so I am staying right here as the sun

Rises the next day. Down all the hallways
You can still hear my voice. In your heart
You can still feel my presence. You grieve
My absence with your hand on the gun,

Loaded with enough ammunition to feel
At peace, but I vow that we will see each
Each other again when it is your turn next,
But god is not yet ready to watch you exit

Stage left. Darling, you are made of steel,
Ready to withstand any storm. You preach
All positivity as your world, so perplexing
And messy was falling apart. Feel velvet

Within your hands because that is what
You were to me, softness in a world filled
With rough edges. Your smile is always so
Radiant as it is something I will remember

You by as my darling, you are a clear cut
Above the rest. Our love that was killed
Before it could grow into full bloom or flow
Into existence came back with its ember.

One Source of Inspiration: Demi Lovato

I know that I have talked about one of my personal heroes. In fact I think part of the reason why I started this blog was because of her. So if you have been following Messy Ties since day 1 you all know how I feel about her. At the time when I started this blog I also started to read her book Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year. It was a great book. I have also seen her in concert and it was by far one of my favorite concerts. It is also the first and only concert (so far) that I have seen solo. The one thing I really appreciate about Demi is being open and honest about her personal struggles. I also find her to be a more reliable role model than most girls in my generation. I did not have some of the same struggles as her, but at the same time I knew some of the stuff she has gone through. Just listening to her music is inspiring and can sometimes even be therapeutic.

I can go on and on about Demi, but I will let this poem speak for itself. This is for Demi, may you continue to be a source of inspiration not only for me, but for other girls and others who are struggling. You are amazing in every way whether you realize it or not. I will conclude with one quote by Demi. She says, “I have come to realize that just making yourself happy is most important. Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy. That’s my life motto.” So in other words, do what is best for yourself at the end of the day and you are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. With Demi’s birthday right around the corner I thought it would be an appropiate time to post this. Happy (early) birthday Demi!! I will continue to be inspired by you every single day. P. S. The poem down below is for a competition I was a part of back in May/June called “Tortured Souls” and I ended up winning. This poem is for all the girls out there who continue to struggle. As Demi would say, you are not alone.

Photo from http://www.picslyrics.net/lyrics/demi-lovato-heart-attack.html?row_id=88437

To Demi – The Warrior Queen

Like a skyscraper that emerges from the dust
You come completely from the ground up.
The hurtful words and pain may dig into your
Skin like tattoos or scars, but never combust
Into smaller pieces, hoping you can be a cup
That is empty. Demi, you are constantly at war

With yourself in the hopes of being perfect like
Everyone else, wanting to be skinny and pretty,
But don’t you know you are perfect like a gem?
You may think you are down to your last strike
Of the game, longing for its close, but the city
Lights still shine for you. As you crave mayhem,

Alcohol and drugs in order to numb all the pain
Within your soul, I know the girl that desired to
Be loved again. You taught me to see the world
Through new eyes because through all the rain
Soaked windows there is the bright hope you
Prayed for every day and night. Your furled

Secrets and insecurities lay buried so no one
Can take them or use them against you. I see
You waiting in the shadows with smiles and
That are just a show or fake. You try to run
Away from the underlying truth. I would see
Parts of you in me. I wished to take your hand

And show you that you are only human, not
Superhuman. You tried to love yourself
And everyone else too like you have never
Been broken before, but you already forgot
You have been broken. You are compelled
To hide yourself so no one sees you as clever

Or kindhearted and no one sees your gentle
Or soft side. I see the girl with the warrior
Exterior and who holds in her tears so she is
Not seen as weak or vulnerable. Your mental
Capabilities of coping are slipping. A corridor
In your heart opens. I feel it rising and fizzing

To the surface. I feel our spirits connecting on
A level no one could pretend to comprehend.
We let all our past memories fade and be gone.
We both know that this will never be the end.