Author: Elena

I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.

Dystopia

I know that in the past I have talked about utopia. In this case I want to talk about the opposite, dystopia. Here are the definitions for those of you who forgot what utopia and dystopia are. Utopia: “a place of ideal perfection especially in laws, government, and social conditions” (definition came from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary). Dystopia: “an imagined world or society in which people lead wretched, dehumanized, fearful lives” (definition also came from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary). So utopia in other words is the perfect and ideal world while dystopia is the opposite (terrible). It is like some of those books we read like “The Hunger Games” or “Delirium” or “The Giver.” Those, in my mind, are what I consider to be the dystopian type of books. It is a way to conceptualize what dystopia is.

I think of dystopia as something dark and maybe sinister in a way. I think this next quote explains the clear difference between utopia and dystopia. Daniel Raj Kumar says, “Utopia is an illusion. Dystopia is the reality.” In other words, utopia is not something that is always true and dystopia is something that is true. Although we view dystopia as something bad there is something beautiful about it at the same time. Ally Condie explains some of that beauty in a great way. She says, “The beauty of dystopia is that it lets us vicariously experience future worlds – but we still have the power to change our own.” In other words, dystopia gives us an opportunity to experience future worlds and also gives us a chance to change our world. I think dystopia gives us a wake up call, whether its real or fake.

The thing about dystopia is that there is a great chance of that happening, especially if we do not take care of today’s world. That is what Lauren DeStefano says. She says, “Most dystopian, classic and contemporary, paints a future world that puts a twist on present society – a future world that could plausibly happen.” So like I said before, dystopia is something that could possibly happen. I could go on and on about dystopia, utopia and the difference between the two, but I think you all got the difference. I will conclude by saying that utopia and dystopia are not exactly the most simplest of ideas, especially dystopia. It is like asking that “what if?” question. That is dystopia in a nutshell. Here are two poems to enjoy, both visual poetry. I hope you enjoy!!

My visual poem titled “In a Perfect World.”
My visual poem titled “Dystopian World.”

Forbidden Love

I have talked about love before and I wanted to post something about love since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Everyone who knows me knows how I feel about Valentine’s Day (not my favorite holiday). I want to focus on a different kind of love in this post. Forbidden love. I feel like forbidden love is something among the lines of loving someone you are not supposed to be loving. Like someone you are loving from afar and cannot tell anyone about. It is like holding onto a secret. We think of forbidden love like Romeo and Juliet. It is one of those weird and twisted feeling. I think this quote by Pen soul in some ways sums it up. “Falling in forbidden love is beautiful in a weird way, like those doodles in the last page of my notebook, only I can feel, interpret and understand that blissful mess.” In other words, forbidden love is something that person can only try to understand. Nobody else can truly understand it better than that one person can.

A lot of the time this love can leave you hurt, scarred and feeling hallow. It is like what Roy Orbison says. He says, “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars.” Sometimes we do not want that kind of love because if love hurts like that then it is not always worth it, especially if it leaves you hurt all the time. But it is also the type of love that teaches us all something. Yes, it hurts and it feels so wrong, but it is the greatest lesson we can learn. Which is my point about this forbidden love thing. I want to conclude with one final quote and I think this explains what I have been saying. “The worst feeling in the world is when you know that you both love each other but still you just can’t be together.” That feeling is the worst feeling and that is what forbidden love is. It is the fact that even if you love each other you cannot be together. Anyways, here is a poem that I wrote about forbidden love. Enjoy!!

Our Forbidden Love

I loved you, but I would never tell  
The world including you because  
Although we were lovers there  

Was nothing else. My heart swelled  
With so much hatred because claws  
Scratched me and I could not swear  

To tell you that I was bleeding from  
The pain. I could never tell you that  
I was tired from loving the wrong  

Person who only showed their warm  
Smile, but never the war or combat  
They face every day. I was the song  

That cheered you up and the place  
You went to when you needed to  
De-stress from the world. It was our  

Secret as my fingertips would trace  
Every inch of your skin. Me and you  
Were once safe in our morning hour,  

Laying against your chest, hearing  
Your heartbeat, but we both already  
Knew that we could not stay. But  

Instead we were looking or peering  
Into something that was unsteady  
Like an old house without its guts  

Or foundation to stand on. We were  
An empty house that had no love  
Left. We were drowning in the sea  

And its cascading waves. The blur  
Of tears were too much. Like a dove  
We were flying too close and we  

Burned, but could never survive or  
Escape the feeling that this love was  
Forbidden or felt like a wrong turn.  

It was something I could not ignore.  
It was our last night when the buzzed  
Feeling wore off. I no longer yearned  

For something that left me so hollow.  
It was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Vision 2020

The title of this post says it all, but in case if you are not able to catch onto my meaning I will explain it all. For my other job that I do remotely now that I moved to another state one of my projects was finding the annual theme for 2020. Surprise, surprise! The theme is Perfect Vision: Seeing Through a Spiritual Lens.” 2020 = perfect vision. The following comes from unity.org

We’ve been told that 20-20 vision is perfect, but for the year 2020, let’s expand the definition. Perfect vision has nothing to do with how far our eyes can focus without assistance. It’s all in how we see the world. People who wear rose-colored glasses see only the good in people and circumstances. Those with a gloomy outlook are focused on what might go wrong. We all see the world through a particular lens, and we can choose what it is. The annual theme for Unity in 2020—”Perfect Vision: Seeing Through a Spiritual Lens”—reminds us of those choices. “

from unity.org

I hope people get what I mean now. I figured this would be a great time to still post about this since we are still within the first month of the new year and 2020. With every new year we have to forget our problems from the previous year, especially for 2020. For some reason I feel like we need to leave things behind that make our vision blurry. That is why I like this quote. It says, “Do not start 2020 with 2019 problems.” And I have to agree because what if those problems are the problems and maybe that is why our vision is blurry? I hope that makes sense.

On the other hand we can have sight, but no vision and I think that there is a difference as Robert Kiyosaki says. He says, “Sight is what you see with your eyes, vision is what you see with your mind.” So the main difference is that one uses the eyes and the other uses the mind. Helen Keller says that there is a danger to having one, but not the other. She says, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” That is the truth because as I said before there is no way to have one or the other. It really does not matter what we see with our eyes it is how we see the world. 2019 has been crappy for a lot of people, but lets hope 2020 is a lot better for people because there is so much more we can learn from. 2020 is as what the poem says below… it is a redemption shot or another chance. I hope that you enjoy the poem below. Happy reading!!!!

Into 2020

She is walking as if she is someone brand new,
But she never forgets the lessons that she has
Learned in the past years. “Paint your sky blue,”
People say, but when she paints it with topaz,

Indigo or purple, they think she is taking a big
Risk, but isn’t that what life is all about? As she
Takes the vast world and crushes it like a twig
Without any expectations she just wants to be

Who she always wanted to be, free-spirited and
Kind. She cannot make any predictions for 2020,
But realizes she does not need anyone’s hand
To be warm or secure in a world lacking plenty

Of warmth and security. The only obstacle that
Stands in her way is herself. She was tired of
Those people who would rather see her fall flat
And as she crawled through infestation, the love

Slowly crept back into her veins. The sunlight
Was back in her smile and in the way she shook
Off those who are not on her journey. Her bright
Demeanor is back. When the world does not look

At her is when she is at her best because they
Only stare and critique when she is at her worst.
What they do not know is that although she say
Very little, she still has a lot of hunger and thirst

For many things in life. What the world does not
Notice is I am her and 2020 is my redemption shot.

Pen Names Explained

This post is especially dedicated to my fellow writers out there as well as to the people who do not quite understand what a pen name is. A pen name for those of you who need a dictionary definition is ” an author’s pseudonym: Also called: nom de plume.” In other words, it is a name that an author/writer uses instead of their real name. One of the pen names I use is eswaller (or something along those lines), especially for my DUP account. It is a way to remain anonymous and hidden, so no one knows your true identity. Although people who know me quite well know that pen name as it still contains parts of my name. I write as my real name on my blog, despite the fact that my blog name is Messy Ties (you can find the explanation of why I came up with that in my very first blog post about 4 year).

A pen name is someone’s identity and it is WHO they are. Terri Guillemets has a great quote that explains it. She says, “Pen names are masks that allow us to unmask ourselves.” In other words, I believe pen names allow us to wear masks while still being who we are. Maybe I did not explain that quite well or maybe I did. I think pen names gives us a chance to unmask who we truly are. Pen names give us some kind of protection like a mask does. And people choose to use different pen names for different reasons. Those are personal decisions. Anyways… I am going to keep this post short since we can go on and on about pen names and their importance and why they exist. I want people to understand a little more about pen names and why they exist. Here is a poem I wrote about why I chose eswaller. I hope you enjoy!!

Eswaller Explained

E as in Elena, named after my dad’s cousin.
S as in Salniker, a family name that crossed
Oceans and escaped persecution years ago.
Waller, another family name that crossed
State and borderlines. Together that makes
Eswaller, unmasked and ready to set my
Pen to paper, living a life I have chosen.
I am proud of the family I come from.

Can’t Break Me

I know I have talked about breaking down. So some of this may sound like a repeat. In this case I am talking about things that cannot break us. Someone may try to break us, but it about getting back up. We are breakable, but we are also unbreakable which means that some things and people can try to break us, but will be unsuccessful. That right there leads me into my first quote. “You’re a diamond, dear. They can’t break you.” Being unbreakable in my mind is a lot like being a diamond or steel because being unbreakable is also being indestructible, which means you cannot be destroyed. In my mind diamond=indestructible.

In this last year and in years past I have learned how to become a strong person despite what people think they know about me. It is like what Denzel Washington said. He said, “You can’t break me because you didn’t make me.” There is so much truth in that one quote because no one can truly break you. You cannot give anyone that power to break you because the truth is that you made yourself. People try to knock you down, but they should know by now that you come back stronger than ever. In all honesty people cannot break you because like this next quote says you have already been broken. “They can’t hurt me anymore, there’s nothing left to break of me, nothing left to take from me.” So in other words they cannot take anything more from you.

I figured this would be a good post to start 2020 with because like I said before, this last year has been learning to become unbreakable despite what people throw my way and what people think they know about me. The truth is that no one knows what I have been through and let’s keep it that way. I want to conclude this post with one more quote. “You will get tired of knocking me down, before I get tired of getting back up. I promise you that!” So do not bother trying to knocking me down because you will realize that it will get you nowhere.

There is so much more that I could say and there is so many more quotes I can include in this post, but I will conclude this post right here. I wish everyone a happy 2020!! This post and following poem is dedicated to all the warriors out there. This poem received runner up position for a competition on DUP. When you look up the definition of warrior in the dictionary one of the definitions is the following: “a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier.” So I thank all the warriors out there. Once again happy 2020. I wish everyone a prosperous and healthy new year. Thank you for another trip around the sun. This would be the 3rd year I have had this blog and I want to personally thank all my supporters. Here’s to another year, cheers!!

Warrior

With my heart beating loudly in my
Chest and my sweaty palms I refused
To back down from the challenge that
Was awaiting me. I refused to cry
Any more than I already have. He confused
Me with someone who does not combat

Their demons or shadows every day.
That night I stayed awake until 2 am
Because once again he made me feel
Like I was unlovable, but that one ray
Of sunshine poked through a broken dam
That tried to drown me. I am made of steel

And all the strong stuff. I went right past
The red flags because I loved hard as
I always do no matter the situation or
Person. I am made to survive and last
Long past the winter’s storm. What has
Me down does not matter as I ignore

The doubters and haters because
They think they know my weakness
When in truth they know absolutely
Nothing about me. They never pause
And ask right questions. The bleakness
In my eyes never caused their mutely

Mouths to truly ask me about me.
Instead they ask me about my job
And not enough asking about if I got
Enough sleep. I wonder if they see
What they want to see. A girl bobbing
And weaving to the top. They forgot

That I have obstacles too and that is how
I became a warrior standing on her feet now.

Mantras

I want to end this year (happy early 2020 by the way) with talking about mantras. I know that I have talked about them before, especially in one of my earliest posts back when I first started this blog. When someone looks up the definition of mantra in the dictionary one of the definitions is the following: “an often repeated word, formula, or phrase, often a truism” (dictionary.com). I think of a mantra as something we repeat when we are going through rough times or it can be that reminder we remember every day. Everyone in this world has a different mantra like what Russell Brand says. “Everyone has their own mantra.” There is truth to that because everyone is district and has their own goals or aspirations. For example, my mantra could be different than someone else’s. Why? Who knows, but that should not matter. We are all just trying to make the world a better place and brings something positive. It is like what Sogyal Rinpoche says. “The definition of mantra is ‘that which protects the mind.’ That which protects the mind from negativity, or that which protects you from your own mind, is called mantra.” I definitely have to agree with that quote because a mantra is indeed something that protects us from going to a negative place which leads me to my next point.

I also think that a mantra is something positive because I do not think there is any point of having one that is negative. Robin S. Sharman says, “A mantra is nothing more than a collection of words strung together to create a positive effect.” In other words you are putting this mantra out into the world to create a positive effect and change. A mantra is something to believe in. One of the mantras I have used in the past and I still try to use it whenever I can is: “I’m beautiful and good enough.” You can view my post titled “New Mantra: I Am Beautiful and Good Enough” to learn more about the inspiration behind it. I figured this would be a good way to end the year. Because mantras are important and are a good way to start off the new year as well.

I want all of my readers to think long and hard about what their mantra is. Write it on a post it note and put it in a place you can see it. I know it sounds silly, but say it out loud to yourself every day or you can whisper it. This mantra can be as short or as long as you want it to be. Mantras serve a purpose in life. I hope my readers enjoy my final poem of 2019. The below poem won runner up for a competition on DUP. And I wish everyone a happy 2020! May this next year bring you everything you wished for. Cheers!!

My Mantra(s)

Be myself in a world that is filled
With too many people who pretend
To be someone else. Be a light in
A dimmed or dark room. I build
Myself back up when I spend
Time getting knocked down. Grin
And smile even when I just want
To hide away for a little bit. No one
Can ever take away my dream or
My hope. Spend time and energy
On those who deserve it. The sun
Is right there in the way I ignore
Self-doubt and killers. Yesterday
Is in the past and I am walking
Towards a better tomorrow. I am
Letting the truth spill out instead of
Hiding behind lies. Stop clocking
In and out of prison. Let the slam
Of the door be definite. I will find love.

Cult of Inspiration As An Artist

I know that I have talked a lot about my source of inspiration, especially as a writer and human being. I take pleasure in being a poet because there is inspiration all around me every day. I cannot name a specific thing that I find as my source of inspiration. It could be a situation I have been in or just being an observer of what goes on around me. I just love sharing my thoughts and feelings in every piece that I write. Yes, I do consider myself an artist because I create pictures. I think this quote explains it in the best way. “Art has the power to transform, to illuminate, inspire and motivate.” If I can do at least one of those things with my art then my job is complete. Poetry is not necessarily what we say, but a lot of the time it is how we say it. That is what the next quote by Mahmoud Darwish says. He says the following. “The importance of poetry is not measured, finally, by what the poet says but how he says it.” I can go on and on about inspiration, but I will leave my readers with the following. Being an artist, especially a poet is all about sharing memories, sharing feelings and most importantly sharing thoughts. I hope that everyone enjoys the following poem!! I am going to let this poem speak for itself.

Sharing Memories

The world awaits me, waiting for me to notice
The small ripples in the creek, the tallness of
A mountain or when a couple embraces love.
The world’s beauty is captured through a lotus

Flower that opens its petals for the first time in
Spring and blooms in summer. The steady click
Of a camera; the mental memory. Never be sick
Of the mundane things like raindrops or dry skin

While standing in the middle of a desert because
Being a poet means sharing those moments, big
And small like a heartbreak breaking me like twig,
My heart in half as I clean up the mess. The cause

For concern as I try to navigate through the rough
Terrains of the road ahead and the shadows that try
To entice me. I become observant of tears people cry
As they pretend to be okay and continue to be tough

For the rest of the world on standby. But no one sees
Me watching and observing from the hidden corner
Like a faithful bird watcher. A sorrowful mourner
Who lost love, but it remains in new grown trees,

Roots and flowers. A poet and writer with my pen
Who only wants to write the truth, even if it means
I bring sorrow to an empty table. The truth redeems
 Matters of the heart. Everything is released again.

Being Grateful for the Small & Big Things In Life

It is that time of year of Thanksgiving (just happened last week) and Christmas. Usually for me and everyone else around the world it is a time to reflect on this past year and showing our gratitude. I do not want to make this sound like a repeat from the previous years, but we should be thankful and grateful for the small things in life. There is usually someone who makes us appreciate the small things in life. Whether it is being grateful for the breaths you take or the sunrises you get to appreciate and admire, it does not matter. There is someone in your life who makes everything simply better and makes you happy. It could be a significant other or a family member or friend. This quote about sums it up just right. Marcel Proust says, “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” I love how that quote compares people who care to make us happy to gardeners. There is such beauty in that one quote!!

There is someone, whether it is yourself or someone important in your life that you are grateful for too. There is this quote that sums it up just about perfectly from Mandy Hale, one of my personal heroes about being grateful for everything life has to offer. She says, “Be grateful for small things, big things, and everything in between. Count your blessings, not your problems.” In other words be thankful for everything life has to offer because they are blessings in disguise and NEVER worry about your problems. I am going to conclude this post right here. I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving and hope that everyone will have a good Christmas next month! Here is a poem as reminder to be grateful for every single moment, big and small. We should all be filled with thankfulness like this poem suggests.

Filled with Thankfulness

Every sunrise on the horizon reminds me
That there is always another day ahead.
Every breath that fills my lungs with air

Minute by minute is a reminder that I am
Alive. A calmness within waves of the sea
After seeing chaos everywhere else fed

The soul that needed water. As my hair
And tears were lost in the wind, the clam
Was opening right before my eyes. So I

Thank you for teaching me to stop and
Admire the sunrise. Thank you for being
My breath when I needed it the most.

Thank you being the calmness in the eye
Of the storm and for giving me a hand
To hold as I lacked strength. I was seeing

The world through new eyes. West coast
Vibes always held me together and you had
Me standing. Nothing could make me sad.

Rupi Kaur Tribute

I have been discovering and sometimes rediscovering poets. One of those poets is Rupi Kaur. I discovered her maybe about a year or two ago and before I moved I got her more recent book the sun and her flowers. I like her work because her poems are on the shorter side, but get straight to the point. She also includes some kind of drawing to go with her work and I really enjoy that. A lot of her work comes from a female and immigrant perspective. I really come to appreciate that as well. Anyways, here are two poems I wrote just recently, inspired by some of her poems. As I get to read more of her work she has become one my role models and I hope that she can be one for others, especially young girls. I hope that you enjoy the following poems tremendously!!

Body Love Letter (Rupi Kaur Tribute)

Dear Body,  

Thank you for giving me a body that is only mine  
And no one else’s. You are taught to be skinny  
Or curvy because there is no place in between.  

Why should it ever be a boy or man to intertwine  
With to make your soul more whole? It is a pity  
To be taught you need a man’s love to be a queen.  

You are no one’s pit stop or someone’s temporary  
Home. Thank you for your kindness and for carrying  
Life into tomorrow as well as for many years to follow.    

You deserve a multitude of rest when you are weary  
And bone tired. Your secrets try to hide, but burying  
Them is no way to live. You are not empty or hollow.  

You are a ship and a vessel that has survived every  
Storm. You have taken every bullet like a soldier in  
War. The world thinks you need to add some bells  

Here or there. They may even think you are too deadly  
Or natural to survive, but you have grown into your skin  
From a tiny poppy seed. You are my protective shell.  

So I thank you.  

Sincerely,  

Me

And here is the second one.

Unforeseen Heartache

Nobody thought it would be this hard
Losing a friend or a lover, but then
You are thinking of them when a card
From them shows up once again.
The slow, trickling tears come back,
Not like a train that suddenly hits you
Or the onslaught of rain as the black
Sky swallows you. It slowly builds to
The point where you get subtle aches.
There are no words to describe it, not
Even on the radio. They are heartbreaks
You have no time to prepare for. A knot
And other symptoms appear, sometimes
Months later when you are clearing out
Space in your heart for new butterflies
To hatch. When you choose self-doubt
And think of the times when things were
Less difficult you never stop to let this
Loss go completely. Their absence stirs
Within your soul and their love, amiss.

Those pieces/poems were inspired by her pieces including the underrated heartache, thank you,
https://rupikaurpoems.tumblr.com/post/163061242037 & welcome

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I want to start off by saying some of this may sound like a repeat. Time is a precious thing in life. We either cherish it or we worry about it. Sometimes time goes by quickly. In life there is such a thing as wrong place and wrong time. Some people point out to me that with the right person there is such a thing as right place and right time. That brings me to a quote by Kabir Bedi who says “Everything has a place and time.” That is so very true. With the wrong person there is such a thing as wrong place and wrong time. That is also very true.

There is this expression/quote that says you meet the right person at the wrong time or you meet the wrong person at the right time. I think that is what a lot of people say, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I am beginning to think that is wrong as well. That brings me to a quote that says, “The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.” In other words it does not matter if it is the right or wrong time that person is STILL the wrong person and deep down you will simply know without a doubt if they are the right or wrong person. Sometimes it is a human tendency to fall in love with the wrong person, but I am not going to get too much into those details right now. It is just how life works sometimes.

Wrong place, wrong time also has a lot do with certain situations besides love. We make a lot of wrong turns sometimes and those wrong turns can either lead somewhere where we are meant to be or it can just make us turn in a different direction. Like I said before, there is no such thing as wrong place and wrong time as Shashi Tharoor says, “There is not a thing such as the wrong place, or the wrong time. We are where we are at the only time we have. Perhaps it’s where we are meant to be.” In other words, there is no such thing as wrong place, wrong time because we are exactly where we are meant to be. Anyways, this is a topic we can talk about for days and days, but I am going to stop right here because this is the right time to do so. I hope you enjoy this poem, which won 1st place in the “Wrong Place; Wrong Time competition on DUP.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

It was fate when you messaged me that night,
Catching up like we were old friends. We had
Not spoken since high school. Years later and
I would learn we were in the wrong place at
The completely wrong time.You were the light
At the end of the tunnel and made every bad
Day better. It was not until I held onto his hand
I knew you and I had soul ties, but I combatted

The feeling we were not compatible. We had to
Take many wrong turns before we finally made
The right turn, but it was the wrong turn too. No
Matter how many chances and opportunities we
Had we were knocking on the wrong doors. You
And I knew after that phone call we would fade
Into nothing, but the memories will always follow.
With you and I there was a love truly lost at sea

With no way to come back from the devastating
Or treacherous storm. Time will stop waiting.