I was born and raised in the Bay Area. Growing up, I went to Berkeley public schools up until I left California to attend McDaniel College, located in Westminster, MD. I graduated from McDaniel College with a B.A. in Theatre Arts with a focus in Acting.
We all have obsessions as human beings in one way or another. Whether it’s perfection, money, fame, love or something else… sometimes we just have to live with this “obsession.” I feel like having an obsession could either be a great thing or something that is extremely bad. When you are passionate about something that could be seen as something good, otherwise I feel like it could be a habit that could turn into something horrible. Anyways, here is a quote about a good obsession from Billie Jean King. She says, “Obsession can sometimes be a good thing! No one changes the world who isn’t obsessed.” On the other side we have some situations in which obsession can be a bad thing, which leads me to another quote. Norman Mailer says, “Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer.” So in other words, obsession can leave you with more questions than answers. A lot of the time that feeling is horrible and can leave you empty.
Sometimes as women especially we are taught to be obsessed with perfection and looking beautiful as we see all of that within the beauty industry. We are also taught to be looking for love from someone else. We are teaching girls all about that and that is the WRONG kind of obsession because outer beauty does not matter as much as our inner beauty. Yes, appearance does matter, especially in professional settings such as when she works, but we should not teach little girls to become beauty queens. That is an obsession that can be carried around for a lifetime. It is something that is forever ingrained. Instead we should be teaching girls and women to be comfortable in who they are. That leads me to my next quote by Sandra Cisneros. She says, “I am obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her own skin.” That is an obsession we should be touching everyone, man and woman.
It could lead to something bad later down the road. That brings me to my next quote. Greg Carlisle says, “Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” Like I said the wrong kind of obsession can lead to bad habits. I want to end this post by saying obsessions are obsessions. They are things that are deeply ingrained. I have included two poems down below. The second one is a visual poem titled “Obsession with Perfection – Visual Poetry.” I hope my readers enjoy these poems!! Sorry if my post feels like its rambling on and all over the place. There is so much to be talked about in this subject.
Little Obsessions
She was still a little girl who carried her insecurities around like a blanket
And was always obsessed with finding perfection all around her because
She could not find any perfection within herself. She already had cut
Herself too deeply to care if she was still bleeding. She knew the cause
Of her pain, but it was another one of her obsessions to keep it all to
Herself until she was drowning and completely submerged. Her flaws
Are like track marks and a road map on her body, beautiful but not new
To her. I know she tries hard to forget the inflicting words she has heard
Her whole life. Parts of herself that she keeps to herself. When you
Love someone like her, I promise you that she will mean every word
Because for her they come directly from her heart. Her obsession
With words never diminishes because she wants to be a free bird.
I am trying to switch it up a little bit more these day with what kinds of posts I write here. One of those switch ups is trying to do as many writer/poet tributes as I can. I have done ones about Mary Oliver and Wendell Berry. I am open for future suggestions as well. This one is focused on E. E. Cummings, a writer/poet who is probably well known for his poem [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]. I came across another one of his poems and decided to look it up after I found parts of it in the book I was reading, The Life and Death of Charlie St. Cloud, which is such a beautifully written book. That poem is titled dive for dreams. It is also a beautiful poem. I have included the text down below with my poem. Tomorrow happens to be his birthday.
dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
dive for dreams (E. E. Cummings Tribute)
Trust your heart and see where it goes as it may lead you to a new destination. We remember that we are living today and may die tomorrow. You carry roses and trek through patches of carnations. You always follow and trace every ray of sunshine with your fingertips, but you also dive for dreams. The stars shine just for you night after night and never forget to live by love. Some day you will want to remember your first love and all the trust you had as you choose to never regret anything. You crawl under the soft duvet.
Let me just say this right off the bat. I love to travel and I have been to so many places already. Places like Australia, Hungary (Budapest), France, Italy, France, Turkey, etc. I am not here to boast about the places I have been to, but the one thing that I love about traveling is seeing all the unique places around the world. We can even see the uniqueness in our own back yard or hometown or a place we have come to call home. I have come to appreciate my hometown that much more because it is so unique. I feel like Wendell Berry says it the best. “There are no unsacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places.” There are times when you have to leave that unique place behind, but you learn so much from being in that place to begin with.
You begin to appreciate every place’s beauty and it is like discovering the world’s hidden gems. They are not always easy to find like what Kamaran Ihsan Salih says. “The precious gems are hidden, it is not easy to find them.” That is why I feel like they are called gems. They are precious and hidden very well from our view. Like I said before I have come to appreciate and love my hometown of Oakland, California that much more. I spent so much time there and have so many memories of such an incredible place. There are some lyrics from Adele’s song “Hometown” that speaks to this. “In my hometown memories are fresh.” And that lyric is so absolutely true because in everyone’s hometown there are memories that will be fresh in their minds no matter where they go.
Someday we may go back to our hometown and it could feel the same or different. I always think back to when I went to college and then came back afterwards. In some ways it changed and in some ways it stayed the same. I am going to throw one more quote into this post. Sam Ewing says “When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn’t the old home you missed but your childhood.” That quote is very powerful because it is not necessarily the place you miss, but it is the memories that you miss instead. I hope that my readers come to appreciate the beauty of their cities or place where they are right now. Enjoy my poem down below about my lovely “unique” place.
Oakland, California
Twenty-seven years of my existence, scattered around and Hidden within the precious gems of Oakland, where I grew Up. It is like you keep rediscovering every forgotten nook. An airport with tearful and heartfelt goodbyes with a hand That is hard to let go of. With every minute passing through It gets more difficult to part ways with a place that hooks You with its charm and hometown feel. It is like luggage, Lost but then found again among the panoramic views of The city. The memories that are fresh yet years old, like The boy I loved here with my heart among the wreckage And the floorboards that creak beneath my feet. A love That is lasting longer than the sky’s quick lightning strike.
I know I have talked a lot about changes and making changes so sorry if some of this sounds like I am repeating myself, but I am going to also be talking about something a little different. We all go through changes, some major and some minor. Those changes take our lives in a different direction sometimes. That leads me into a quote I have come to love a lot. “In the waves of change we find our true direction.” It is a great quote because when we make changes it gets us closer to the direction in which we are meant to go in. In fact, I am going through a major change this year and it should take me in the right direction. I will not dive too much into detail since the major change is still in process, but maybe once it happens I will share with my readers some day.
Anyways, I found another quote that I also really love by Bryant McGill. He says “The tides of change have great purpose in life.” In other words, changes do have a purpose or meaning in our lives. They mean something. There can also be a change in the destination. So all of this is to say that you should embrace every change and shift in direction because although you may not always know where you will end up you will still go somewhere.
Honestly it is good to make changes especially BIG ones. That leads me to the last quote for this post by Dave Cornthwaite. He says “If you’re feeling like you need a big change in your life just start saying yes more and new things start to happen.” So in other words, say yes to change instead of saying no. I know change is scary, but sometimes we need to shake things up and break away from the same old things. So in conclusion, I strongly encourage my readers to make that change, whether it is big or small. In the end, that change will be worth it. I hope that my readers enjoy my poem!!
Making a Change
Something within my heart led me Towards you and you embraced all Of me as the fractured pieces were Finally beginning to come together.
As I set sail something in the sea’s Waves and tides changed. The wall Fell. A different direction spurred Me forward toward a new weather
Pattern that began to emerge. I was Leaving behind fog, heartbreak and Grey skies. Up ahead was sunshine. I outdistanced the old me by miles
And miles. It was simply because I never had the courage to stand There, unable to draw a new line. I had the same old and fake smiles
Day after day, but you must have Seen something in me because you Told me to say yes to the change in In my heart even as it led me down
Another path, creating utter havoc Along the highway. It might be too Tricky someday, but under my skin My soul is telling me to leave town
And one of the biggest changes of All is finding another place to love.
We just recently celebrated the 50th anniversary of when we landed on the moon. I thought I would pay tribute to that anniversary. I feel like the moon can teach us a thing or two. I feel like the moon is a symbol of hope. So if we can fly to the moon and walk on the moon I feel like anything else in life is possible. That leads me to a quote I have come to love a lot. “Once upon a time, someone believed they could fly to the Moon and walk on it. Dreams do come true.” In other words we should believe in our dreams no matter what. I feel like the moon and stars are interconnected in some ways.
I feel like there would be no moon without stars and vice versa. They are the ones to appear when the sky becomes dark at night. We learn to follow the moon and the stars equally. We all look at the moon at some point in our lives and that says so much. Both the moon and stars teach us to count our blessings. There is always someone out there who is looking at the moon too. That leads me into this next quote. “If you’re ever feeling lonely just look at the moon. Someone, somewhere is looking at it too.” So in other words, you are never truly alone out there in the world because someone is also feeling lonely. There are so many other things to be said about the moon and quotes too, but I think I will just leave everything as it is. Enjoy the pieces down below.
When I was in college I took an interesting class my senior year. It was Nature Writing. One of the writers we talked about and read in that class was Wendell Berry. I always try to broaden my horizons when it comes to reading and following an author/poet’s work. Wendell Berry is one of those people for me. He and Mary Oliver are similar in some ways because they both bring nature into their work. I feel Oliver’s is simplistic in some ways and Berry’s work is slightly more complex. Anyways, one of Berry’s pieces/poems that I came across was “The Country of Marriage.” I am including the text from that poem down below.
I. I dream of you walking at night along the streams of the country of my birth, warm blooms and the nightsongs of birds opening around you as you walk. You are holding in your body the dark seed of my sleep. II. This comes after silence. Was it something I said that bound me to you, some mere promise or, worse, the fear of loneliness and death? A man lost in the woods in the dark, I stood still and said nothing. And then there rose in me, like the earth’s empowering brew rising in root and branch, the words of a dream of you I did not know I had dreamed. I was a wanderer who feels the solace of his native land under his feet again and moving in his blood. I went on, blind and faithful. Where I stepped my track was there to steady me. It was no abyss that lay before me, but only the level ground. III. Sometimes our life reminds me of a forest in which there is a graceful clearing and in that opening a house, an orchard and garden, comfortable shades, and flowers red and yellow in the sun, a pattern made in the light for the light to return to. The forest is mostly dark, its ways to be made anew day after day, the dark richer than the light and more blessed, provided we stay brave enough to keep on going in. IV. How many times have I come to you out of my head with joy, if ever a man was, for to approach you I have given up the light and all directions. I come to you lost, wholly trusting as a man who goes into the forest unarmed. It is as though I descend slowly earthward out of the air. I rest in peace in you, when I arrive at last. V. Our bond is no little economy based on the exchange of my love and work for yours, so much for so much of an expendable fund. We don’t know what its limits are– that puts us in the dark. We are more together than we know, how else could we keep on discovering we are more together than we thought? You are the known way leading always to the unknown, and you are the known place to which the unknown is always leading me back. More blessed in you than I know, I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing not belittled by my saying that I possess it. Even an hour of love is a moral predicament, a blessing a man may be hard up to be worthy of. He can only accept it, as a plant accepts from all the bounty of the light enough to live, and then accepts the dark, passing unencumbered back to the earth, as I have fallen tine and again from the great strength of my desire, helpless, into your arms. VI. What I am learning to give you is my death to set you free of me, and me from myself into the dark and the new light. Like the water of a deep stream, love is always too much. We did not make it. Though we drink till we burst we cannot have it all, or want it all. In its abundance it survives our thirst. In the evening we come down to the shore to drink our fill, and sleep, while it flows through the regions of the dark. It does not hold us, except we keep returning to its rich waters thirsty. We enter, willing to die, into the commonwealth of its joy. VII. I give you what is unbounded, passing from dark to dark, containing darkness: a night of rain, an early morning. I give you the life I have let live for the love of you: a clump of orange-blooming weeds beside the road, the young orchard waiting in the snow, our own life that we have planted in the ground, as I have planted mine in you. I give you my love for all beautiful and honest women that you gather to yourself again and again, and satisfy–and this poem, no more mine than any man’s who has loved a woman.
Anyways, it is a beautiful poem. I never really read any of Berry’s poems until recently because of a competition on DUP. My poem was runner up, but first let me just reiterate my point of Berry’s connection to nature like in the poem I just included above. He ties it all together and makes the connection between nature and marriage. I could go on and on, but I think I will let that poem speak for itself. I will conclude by bringing up a quote I think goes along with what this post talks about. Berry says “The earth is what we all have in common.” In other words the one thing that connects us together is our earth and that itself says so much.
There are so many other quotes I found, especially by Berry. I will bring two more quotes to the forefront. Nature is very important to our existence. Berry says, “Whether our politicians know it or not, Nature is party to all our deals and decisions, and she has more votes, a longer memory, and a sterner sense of justice that we do.” That is one of the other things we talked about in that Nature Writing class. Social/Environmental Justice and how important our environment is. It is the deciding factor in a lot of things.
I know I have brought this up before, but we must care for this earth. Berry says, “The care of the Earth is our most ancient and most worthy, and after all our most pleasing responsibility. To cherish what remains of it and to foster its renewal is our only hope.” Enjoy the poem down below and go out to enjoy nature, something that is around us every day. It is meant to be enjoyed and cherished as it is. There is a picture I included in additional to the poem.
The Promise of Marriage (Wendell Berry Tribute)
I dreamt of you walking towards me As you leave the shadows behind and The lights within your soul are brighter. I want to meet you alongside the river’s Edge – my sanctuary and where I see Us building our first home. My hand Wants to touch your skin – an igniter, A spark and something that delivers
Its promise of protecting us. I was just A wanderer, lost and unsure of where I was going next, but then you came Wearing your heart on your sleeve. Your willing heart craved wanderlust Too. You are a woman with long hair, A smile that goes with it and a name Beautiful as a dove’s call. The leaves
On the tree become greener as you Approach and meet me down the aisle. There I vow to shield you as you did It countless times, even when I was Undeserving and with the clear blue Sky above our heads I love every smile Along with the tears that already slid Down your soft face. We take a pause
To take it all in, enjoying all the early Mornings and late evenings. We laid Our love at the Earth’s feet. We look as Fall, winter, spring and summer change, But our love that sometimes turns curly Stays the same. Are we what we prayed For? We have love that is raw like topaz People dig for and is a mountain range.
I just recently posted a poem I wrote for a competition called “6 Years Ago Today…” on DUP. I ended up winning, but that is besides the point. One of the first people I met and connected with from the very beginning of my time on DUP was Ahavati. She is someone I have looked up to and is in a sense someone I would consider as a mentor. She commented on my piece and she said the following. ” This is classic Elena laced with open honesty. Good to see you posting again! Despite our future obstacles, it’s amazing how much we see we’ve grown when we look back. It really provides perspective.” Her comment led me to think about how far I came and this poem/competition gave me a chance to self-reflect. And it is true, I have come a far way despite the challenges and obstacles. That comment led me to think about this topic of self-reflection.
As I thought about 6 years ago, which was 2013 for me, it was a time when I was in my last year of college and it was a time when I was still trying to find myself in this crazy world. I did not know what the hell I wanted to do. I thought I wanted to do theatre since that is one of the things I really love. Although I am not doing much theatre now, a part of me still loves it and misses it. That is besides the point too. I feel like self-reflection is a must or an essential tool to use to get through life. I love this quote that I found about that very idea. “Self-reflection is necessary to dig beneath our own layers and visit the inner crevices of our heart and mind to develop an understanding of life.” What I must add to that quote is that self-reflection is also a way to develop an understanding of ourselves. It ties it to our past and how to create a better future for ourselves.
I feel like self-reflection is a way to tie our pasts to our now and future. Self-reflection is used in any parts of our lives, but is most definitely used after a relationship’s breakup and/or after a job’s end. That reminds me of a quote I found by Robert L. Rosen who says, “Self-reflection entails asking yourself questions about your values, assessing your strengths and failures, thinking about your perceptions and interactions with others, and imagining where you want to take your life in the future.” I feel like that is why we learn so much after relationships and jobs end. We take what we like and leave behind what we do not like. Everything in life is a learning experience and we learn more about ourselves, as well as where that takes us in the future. Those are the two pivotal moments in which self-reflection is used most.
I thought I would talk about self-reflection since we are now more than half way through the year and it is a great time to see how far we come. I will leave you all with one more quote by Paul TP Wong who says, “Time spent in self-reflection is never wasted – it is an intimate date with yourself.” Like I said before, it is a way to get to know yourself and it never is a waste of time. Anyways, I encourage my readers to self-reflect and really see how far we have all come. We learn so much and gain so much perspective when we look back. Here is my poem I was talking about earlier. I hope everyone enjoys it!!
6 Years Ago
Six years ago, I was just someone Who was trying to find her place In this world filled with chaos and Uncertainty everywhere she went.
Back then I was trying to outrun My old demons and tried to face That I might not be able to stand On my feet. Everything was bent,
Twisted and all out of shape back Then. My friendships were tested And we all made memories along The way. There were some days in
Which I thought I would be off track Or lost forever. My lungs, congested With yelling, laughter and my song Made me comfortable in my skin.
I know it is has been a while since I’ve posted here, but here I am back again. Things have been crazy as things are shifting in my life and I will share some of those shifts with you all when everything feels a little less chaotic. I was just talking about this with a friend the other day. We image ourselves when we were at a younger age, let’s say like 5 to 10 years ago. It is amazing how we pictured our lives back then and how we have come to our life today. It could have been different than what we imagined. I wish I can sometimes go back to give myself advice now that I have been through things and experienced what I would call life’s struggles.
I was also thinking about this recently because my mom and I just went to the retirement party of my 2nd grade teacher and principal at Emerson Elementary School. I was super lucky to have her as both. Plus she and my mom did a lot of work together when my mom worked in the after school program at Emerson. She was one of the best teachers I had and sometimes there are people out there who shape us to be the person we become as we get older. In fact, after my mom and I spoke at her party on the microphone, Mrs. Hodge (who we were honoring) whispered in my ear how proud she was of me. And to me that meant the world.
So, yes I do sometimes wish I could go back and change things, but there are also times when I am happy how things have turned out because I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people from the time I was a young child to my adult years. But if I were to give myself any advice, it would be something along the lines of this quote/list I found (courtesy of Sagar Parviz Ali). I would give the same list and advice to some else who is young (or young at heart). And I wholeheartedly agree with what is on this list. What follows after this list is a poem I wrote to my younger self.
Advice to my younger self:
read more
write more
practice public speaking
value friendships
memorizing is not learning
learn to invest
you are not your job
know when to leave
find a mentor
trust your gut
solve harder problems
don’t brag
don’t pretend
To The Younger Me
Dear Younger Me,
I wish that I could say that this life could be clearer, But you still have many more roads to walk and many Mountains to climb. You should look into the mirror To appreciate everything you are becoming. Have plenty Of smiles, hugs and laughter to give around because you Never know who might need it on a rainy day. Never let Anyone tell you to just be beautiful because you have blue Skies on the inside as well. You have thoughts, but you get Inside of your head too much as an over thinker. Enjoy Your youth and happiness because you deserve that above Everything else in life. Never some bad things or silly boy Sidetrack you. Nobody ever said that heartbreak and love Was going to be easy or simple. Some day you are going To find a guy who you gave your all to, but it just was not Meant to be. He is going to break you as he is showing You what that pain would feel like. You never forgot What that felt like, but never be afraid to walk away From the table when you feel like it does not serve You the right way. You may stumble and may sway, But someone will give you everything you deserve. Do not stop exploring or watching the world all around You because you deserve a world with color and sound.
…And lastly, love this life to the fullest because you never Know when it is going to give you that final push of the lever.
I am switching things up just a bit. I have been writing some poetry in a different format. One that I have not done too much of. Diamanté takes the shape of a diamond. It is a format I am willing to explore more of since when I participated in a competition on DUP with this theme/format in mind one of the poems I wrote got me first place. And the format tends to go like the following:
Line 1: Beginning subject Line 2: Two describing words about line 1 Line 3: Three doing words about line 1 Line 4: A short phrase about line 1, a short phrase about line 7 Line 5: Three doing words about line 7 Line 6: Two describing words about line 7 Line 7: End subject
Light & Darkness
Light steady, strong illuminating, blinding, glimmering truth reveals itself and knows secrets blackening, daring, braving shadowy, inky Darkness
Roses & Thorns
rose delicate, fragrant blossoming, growing, expanding in your sunshine there is discomfort irritating, sharpening, bleeding prickly, dangerous thorn
P.S. And as you can see I am keeping this post very short. But the lesson is to always try something new because you never know where it might lead you.
We all have those days right? Those days when things just do not go right and we begin falling apart. It happens to all of us at some point or another, but sometimes we wonder who or what is there for us when we have those days or moments when we do fall apart. I am so lucky I have some people who have been there for me when I feel like many things in life are falling apart, but there are some days when I feel no one is there to see me in those moments when I fall apart. In those moments you feel so alone and helpless. What sucks is that some people leave you when life is falling apart. I do not want to make this post any longer than it has to because I think I have talked about some of this stuff before. I will conclude this post with a quote by Marilyn Monroe and a poem. Here is what Marilyn Monroe says. “I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one, but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” In other words, things, including yourself fall apart for a reason and there are better things that will fall together. Sometimes you just have to wait and be patient. Finally, here is a poem for you. I hope that you enjoy it!
When I Fall Apart
I come to you with my vulnerability and heart Covered in imperfections, blemishes and scars. Darling, you are there to watch the bright stars With me, but when I want to be brave and dart
Out into the middle of the rain will you join me? We will be wet and dripping with all of the tears Streaming down my face. Sometimes those fears Come in like the moonlight and the shadows I see
Creeping In the middle of the night, but will you Keep them at bay for my sanity? Will you catch Me when I keep on falling? Like a gate’s latch You are my safety net, but is it ever enough to
Keep me from running away or falling apart? I Have no one else to turn to when I cannot love Myself enough to be keeping doubts away. Of Another place and another time I would try my
Best to love you back with all that you deserved. Honesty, loyalty and every inch of me. All from My mind, body and soul, but I am too numb To feel anything in this lifetime. I have reserved
Too many spots in my heart for someone to take And take, giving nothing back in return. I am sick And tired of it all. So who is there for me? A brick And wall over my heart to keep away the ache
People are afraid to keep a hold on. They are leaving Me to carry the hurt, but I someday I will stop grieving.