Tag: messy ties

Inner Fire

I want to talk about something I like to call “inner fire.” That is pretty self explanatory, but I will explain it anyways (especially to people who may not know what it is). I think of “inner fire” as something that comes within. This inner fire is strong, powerful, motivational, and one of the strongest things that people can have in this world. You do not settle for things that do nothing to make you happy and you do not let anything weigh you down (especially something like the past and bad things). “Inner fire” is the ability to push forward and through life no matter what happens. Yes, there are some times when you want to give up, but you have to keep going, not for anybody else, but for yourself.

I have searched the internet for the right quote (I do not know about my readers, but I find that quotes help me understand things better and it gives me words to connect to) and I know there are no “perfect” quotes, but here is one of the quotes I found from Suzanne Collins. “I am not pretty. I am not beautiful. I am as radiant as the sun.” I think that quote is great because it explains the important of being radiant (or having radiance), has to do with brightness, warmness, and light. Being radiant has nothing to do with being pretty or beautiful because that is sometimes more physical than anything else although you can feel beautiful or pretty as well as looking pretty or beautiful (if that makes sense).

Here is a poem (same title as what I was talking about before). Remember to live however you want to live and to not settle for anything or anyone (especially when it make you unhappy). I hope that you all break free and find your inner fire. I know that our inner fire is hard to find, but it is there somewhere. We all just need to keep searching. Here is the poem. Happy reading!!

Inner Fire

I am wild and I am free.

I refuse to settle for anything

That makes me uneasy.

 

I am meant to swing

Through life without a care in

This world. I am not meant to cling

 

To things that do not set my skin

On fire. I do not dare to remember

My past mistakes as I begin

 

Each new day. My anchor

Has been released because all it was

Doing was dragging me down. The amber

 

Glow is here to stay. My flaws

Are here to stay. All the bad things will

End. We are meant to live as outlaws

 

And on the edge. Forget about frill.

It will do nothing to make me content.

There will still be that occasional spill

 

Of whatever goes and comes

Through my life. I have this inner

Fire that will break and shatter the cuffs

 

That I used to wear. The fire

Is burning brighter than the one outside

Of me. I am not letting it all fester

 

And get worse. I am making my stride

Through it all. I am setting my own pace.

I will not let anything get me all tied

 

Up together anymore. My life is not a race.

My life is what I want it to be.

Life is not as delicate as lace.

 

I am no longer going to plea

And beg my way through.

I want to hold my own key

 

In my palm. I want to be my own glue.

It is stronger than me and you.

The Power of Forgiveness and Love

Hi everybody, I am back once again. I hope that you did not miss me too much while I was gone. I went back to the east coast (the first time since I have graduated from McDaniel College two years ago) to attend a friend’s wedding and to see some of my other east coast friends. The weather turned out to be beautiful (they were predicting rain), the wedding was nice and my friend (Katalin) looked absolutely stunning. The little backstory here is that Katalin and I went to McDaniel together (she was a year or two older than me). She met this guy (her now husband Kenny) who she met online. They were together a couple of years and then they got married. I would not miss her wedding.

The point here ties into why I wanted to start this blog (P.S. she was the one who helped me with this blog idea so I thank her again for that) and why I came up with “Messy Ties.” Katalin is Catholic and a lot of her family is Hungarian (among other things as well). Kenny is also Catholic and is Mexican (among other things). I though it was pretty amazing because they really tried to blend those two things together. I have to admit that this is (by far) one of the most religious weddings that I have ever been to. They did mass and the whole nine yards (in the church with prayers and everything).

The one thing I remembered from the wedding was when the preacher (or whatever you call those people) started talking about how important it is to have a strong foundation. He went on to say how a marriage (or union) would fall apart unless you water and lay down a solid foundation. Even though I am not a super religious person (after all, my parents are non practicing Catholics and Jews), I really had to agree with this. It got me thinking about what I look for in a relationship. Another thing that came from this trip and especially this wedding was when I saw two guys I used to date (at Katalin’s wedding). Their code names in this instance are A and M. I had to prepare myself (although in terms of seeing M did not seem to bad). I was dreading to see A (I never wanted to see him again after things ended).

The encounters with both of them went better than expected. I just had to pretend like everything was okay and got me thinking about the power of love and forgiveness. I think Martin Luther King says it in the best way. “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” These are strong words coming from one of the greatest people on this earth who sadly passed away years ago. What MLK is saying is that we need to forgive, otherwise we will not have the ability to love. There are good things in bad people and there are bad things in good people. When we realize this, we are less likely to hate our enemies.

I felt the power of Katalin and Kenny’s love (after all they were surrounded by people supporting them as the pastor pointed out). I felt the power of forgiveness when I had to forgive myself and those guys I used to date. I had to forgive myself for whatever happened and I had to forgive them (even when I did not get that apology I deserved). I firmly believe that forgiveness and love are two of strongest things in this world. Furthermore, that is why they are so powerful. This wedding inspired this poem that I started once I got back to the hotel after the wedding and I tried to finish it as best as I could. I hope that everybody is able to forgive someone (even though it is so hard) and that they find the love that they deserve. We cannot live without those two things. I hope that everybody enjoys this poem I wrote (it may need a little more work). This goes to Katalin, Kenny, my mom, my dad, A, M, and everybody else who inspired me to write this poem. It is time to build our own foundation and believe that we do have the ability to love, even when we have been hurt before.

My Foundation

The ability to love and forgive.

I know it holds the power to heal

Just about anything. It is about the

Foundation being built before

Everything else. It all takes me

Back to a time, all those years

Ago when I was too naïve to love.

I am still afraid to do so to

This very day. I have the proof

That this love does exist and work.

I see it through the shining example

Of my parents and friends every day.

I am not incapable of love.

I just choose to work on myself

And hope to find someone to

Support me as I go along in life.

I choose to put myself first

Before everybody else.

I am building my own foundation.

Life Is An Uphill Batte

I have been pondering life these days (as I do a lot these days whenever I have a moment to) and have been realizing how much life is like an uphill battle. I think of it as going up a hill and makes me think of that time when I went up near the Lawrence Hall of Science when I took my excursion (in my post about going somewhere new). There is a quote that immediately comes to mind when I think of life as being an uphill battle. “When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top.” Once again I tie this into my excursion because it was a struggle. There were times where I wanted to give up and go back, but I kept going (yes, it did take me a lot longer than I though it would be). I got lost, I got tired, but I made the push to get to my goal.

I take that and apply it to life because I think life as an ongoing struggle. There are times where we have so struggles and want to give up, but we have to keep going until we get to where we want to go (which is the top in my opinion). The end results will be stunningly beautiful. Sometimes it is hard to put into words how beautiful the end results. I know that I have had lots of struggles in my life and I know that other people have too. Life as a journey is messy, dirty, and chaotic. We can cry, scream it out and throw a tantrum. Just do not let it go over your head. You have to tell yourself that you can do it.

I hope that you all continue on this messy (pun intended) journey with me as we resume our trek through life. Just hang in there and remember that I am right there with you always. Here are some words to get you through each and every day. As I have said in this poem (down below) do not let anything get between you, the light and the view from the top. I promise you that it will be amazing (of course once you get there).

Uphill Battle

On some days I drown in my own sorrow

And cannot see the view from the top.

On other days I want to borrow

 

Someone else’s smile. I do not want to drop

To my knees and send another prayer to make

It through another day. All I want to do is stop

 

The sadness, loneliness, and ache

In my heart. Just for one moment

I want to be able to forget my mistake.

 

I have paid dearly for it all. Release the brunt

Of the fall that has landed on me. I deserve

A happy life. I know that life has been too blunt

 

For my own liking. I miss the arching curve

Of life. Do not mistake this uphill battle

As my weakness. I am used to this swerve

 

Over the bumps. Some days life feels so dull.

On other days life tries to send me over the edge.

I miss the days when my mom would lull

 

Me when I could not fall asleep at night. The ledge

Is tempting to fall off of since it is right there.

I do not want to stuck in the hedge

 

Of the unknown. Life is trying to wear

Me down as I go on this ongoing trek and journey

I do not want to left out in the open and feel bare.

 

Although I have been down on my knee

Before I do not want to be there again.

I am not letting anything stand between me,

 

The view, and seeing the light. Just know that when

I want something I get into my mode of Zen.

Girls, Women, and Ladies

They come in all shapes and forms. Whatever you want to call them… It all does not matter. I know that our country is founded upon “All men are created equal.” In this case I do not want to solely focus on the men. Although they are an important part of our lives, they are not the only important people in our lives. Men are praised for being strong and powerful, although in some cases they are criticized for not being “man” enough. What about the women all across this world? They are naturally portrayed as weak and vulnerable. Why cannot women be strong and powerful as well? And why is it that although it is the 21st century women are still being viewed as unequal to men. Women give birth to our children and still have to constantly fight to keep their rights. They get unequal pay, etc.

My whole point is that maybe it is time for women (including myself and other women I know) to put themselves first. I know that is one of the hardest things to do in this world, especially for those so used to taking care of others and putting themselves last. I have searched the internet for the right quote (trust me there are a lot) about putting yourself first and I came across this one (I also happened to find this on one of my friend’s Facebook pages, thanks in part to Caitlyn). “Happiness starts with you – not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you.” In other words, it is all about your happiness and your life. In the end, it should never matter what other people think about you and the choices you make. Demi, my hero, talks about putting yourself first too. She says “Sometimes it is okay to be selfish. Being selfless all the time can be detrimental to your mind and body.” In other words, it is okay to be selfish every once and a while.  Give yourself permission to treat yourself with the respect and care that you deserve.

I wrote this poem for myself (I think of it as a short letter to myself), for I have been through a lot of things recently (I will not go too much into it all). This goes out to all the women both in my life and across the world. I am telling them (as well as myself) to never stop being who they are and that they should never let anybody else put them down. Just keep on being the amazing and strong women we all know we can be. This poem is for you!!

Putting Herself First

Just know that she always

Comes first, no matter if

She is struggling or trying

To make room for herself

To breathe. She is her

Own priority. In the past

She has cared too much

For other people and

What they think.

Now she is thinking for

Herself and what she

Needs to do to make

Herself happy. She has

Goals, dreams,

And ambitions. She will

Be mad and upset if

You or anybody else gets

In her way. She is a warrior

And goddess. She has this

Quiet yet strong power

And presence to who she is.

She is selfish only because

She deserves to care

For herself and because she

Has been let down before.

She has endless strength

Within her. She is her own

Walking life motto.

Mother’s Day

I am sharing a quote I found just the other day as Mother’s Day is upon us for this year (or at least it will be very soon).  “Of all the gifts that life has to offer, a loving mother is the greatest of them all.” I know that we all (including myself as well) do not always get along with our parents (it is a given when it comes to the relationship we have with them) because we bicker and fight with them from a very young age. We all go through stages (especially when we rebel or do not talk to my parents) with them. I include myself in this because I have been through all of that myself. I have been fortunate enough to be the daughter of parents who are a couple of the nicest and hardest working people I know. I love my dad, but I want to spend this time talking about my mom especially.

My mom… Words cannot describe how lucky I am to have her as a mom (I hope that she gets a chance to read this). She is hard working, kind, strong headed (a good trait, I promise), super supportive, speaks her mind (another good trait), and is so many other things as well. I admire so many women in my life (including my grandma, sister, etc.) and my mom is one of those people on my list. I do not know if she knows this, but she has always been one of my role models and is someone I have always looked up to as a young girl (and I still look up to her as an adult). My mom has always encouraged me to be myself and to always keep pushing through no matter what life throws my way. I have had many challenges in my life (and I still do) and she has been there every step of the way.

She has been there when I have gone through bad things (like not landing a role that I had auditioned for or when I was going through a rough patch). It was hard for me when I went off to college, but my parents were encouraging me to do this. I would call them at least once a week (even though I would call my mom more than that). My mom has always given me advice (regardless if I want to hear it or not is another thing altogether). She would give me advice on everything from boys to school to my poetry writing.

I know that I have talked a lot about my (biological) mom. I am also fortunate enough to have a (second or other) mom. She was the one who I met while I was an undergraduate at McDaniel College (in MD). The joke is that when my parents dropped me off at McDaniel College (my freshman year), they were some of the last ones there and my parents came to meet Susan (and the rest of the office), my parents were reassured that this was the right decision. I have been close with her ever since then. I would stay at her house, I would still see her once a week (even after she left McDaniel). In fact, I think she and my mom would be good friends (if my parents were their neighbors). They could even be sisters (they are so similar and have similar tastes).

I shared this poem with my mom last year (because I wrote it just in time for Mother’s Day last year), but I will be sharing it again this year (with my readers). I hope that you get a chance to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom this year. Even if you do not have a mom (or if she is not around for whatever reason) turn to someone who is like a mom to you (she does not even have to be biologically related to you) and tell her how much you appreciate her and love her. She is (as what Alicia Keys sings in her song “Superwoman”) indeed a super woman and beyond that as well. Thank you to all the moms in the world (we literally would not be here without you). Just a side note, this poem is written for my mom (directly towards her), but this could be used in any context for any mom out there. Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mother. I will forever love you.

Love For a Mother

Like mother

Like daughter –

Strong, ambitious,

And hard working.

The road has been

Long and wide.

Lots of highs like

Success, love and

Support.

Lots of lows

Like wiping away

Tears and being

Missed.

The road takes me

Back right into

Your arms and heart,

Where there is

Never-ending love

And light. No matter

Where life goes,

You are right

Beside me, walking

Or running with me.

Even if we are far

Apart you have that

Special place in

My heart and mind

Where you belong.

You are my cheerleader,

You are my rock,

You are my anchor,

You are my everything,

And most of all

You are my mother.

The People We Used to Be Vs. The People We Are Now

I know that I have talked about making changes. Here, I want to talk about that, but it is slightly different this time around. This time I am talking about people who change. I have been doing a lot of self reflection these days (I am not sure if it is because Demi talked about it in her book or that I have just been thinking about it a lot). One of the things I have been thinking about is how I have changed from the person I used to be to the person that I am now in the present moment. It does not matter if I have changed from a year ago, a month ago, even last week. The point is that I am noticing the changes in myself and I know that some people are probably noticing as well (although it should not matter because I have said before, it is about me not them). I have gone through things that have changed me as a person. I know some of those things can be characterized as “bad” or “negative,” but some of those things turned out to be good and positive.

I am making these changes on a constant basis (and I am still going through changes to this very day). I am turning from the person I used to be to the person that I am now. Other people are going through the same thing as well. In a sense, we are saying goodbye to the person we used to be and saying hello to the new us. That does not mean we should totally forget about the people we used to be (after all, they can still teach us valuable lessons). It just means we are improving to be better human beings. So do not let others judge you for the person you used to be (I am trying to do the same thing). Like I have said before, they do not always know the real you (they just think they do). I will also say (as a reminder) that if you do change, remember to make those changes for yourself and not for others.

This poem is written about myself (and the person I used to be), but I know that others can relate to this subject topic as well. Hang in there because I know that we have all had (or still have) bad days or darkness come into our lives. I have to admit that I have been through those dark and bad days (I am not spilling all my deep and dark secrets though because they are next to my heart). As Demi said in her book, celebrate and embrace those changes (she also says to reflect on how you have changed over the course of the year). I have always said (and I will say the same thing to others) that we are still living. I also remember someone saying to always put one foot in front of the other. This poem is for my readers and to remind them that we are not always the same person we used to be. Cheers!!

Who I Used To Be

I used to be a dreamer,

Thinking about the

Daunting future.

I used to wonder what it

Would be like to sleep with

The moon and the stars

Late at night. Do not tell them

My secrets, the ones I keep close.

They are the one I will have

Until I die. Do not tell them that

I keep things to myself as

I feel like nobody will believe me.

Do not tell them it feels like

I have seen better days.

All they see is the spring in

My steps and my voice full

Of merriment. They do not know

That it feels like I am drowning

In complete darkness. They do

Not need to know that I struggle

To let the light in. They do not

Need to know that I used to be

A seeker, who would go after

Everything and anything

That made me feel

Less alone in this world.

Do not tell them that I used

To be afraid of having nobody.

They do not need to know

That I used to hold on tight

And count until the breathing

Became easier. They do not

Need to know that I used to

Feel like I was suffocating.

All they need to know is that

I am trying to be a better person

Because of all of that. They should

Know that I am above all of that.

They should pay no attention to

The person I used to be before

Things were going good.

Present Moment and Being Good Enough

I know that I have talked about my mantra “You are good enough” (that I have talked about in one of my first posts on this blog). That mantra was supposed to be for myself, but I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have realized that other people (especially some people I know) need to hear it too. I hate when people think they are not deserving of other people and think that they are too damaged to be with other people (either as friends or something beyond). Demi talks about being in the present moment. What she is saying is that no matter what we have been through in the past, we have to be in the present moment and to enjoy it. It can go by quickly if we are not paying attention.

This goes to all of the people who think they are not good enough. I am going to quote Taylor Swift here for a moment (this is one of my favorite quotes of hers). This is from her “Clean” introduction speech (when she went out on tour). Swift says that “You are not your mistakes. You are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations. You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you.” I am not going to quote that whole speech because it is a bit lengthy, but I know people need to find and read it (seriously google it or something). That goes hand in hand with some of my previous posts (including the ones about making no assumptions and losing someone).

That all has prompted me to share this poem I wrote a little while ago. I am thinking about a particular person when I wrote this, but it is open to interpretation to anybody and anything. The last thing I can say (and it is in this poem too) is to keep your head up no matter what. Here you go.

Standing Up

I hate whoever tried

To hurt you. They do

Not deserve someone

Like you. It is because

Of them that you

Cannot see yourself

As someone who is

Good hearted and kind.

Do not be characterized

By your demons and past

That haunts you. Those will

Follow you around forever.

Do not let them keep you

From moving on and

For finding someone who

Will not try to hurt you.

Those people care for you

And will love you for who

You are now. They hear

And understand you.

They will shut off

The gossip and will not

Listen to those who

Do not know who

You truly are. You are better

And above the nonsense

People throw your way.

They do not know that

You have already been

Through both heaven

And hell several times.

You keep your chin up

And smile no matter what

People try to do to

Knock you down.

I would do anything to

See you happy and

To believe in yourself.

It is a beautiful thing

To be yourself and

Not care what others think.

Keep living on and

Keep standing up.

 

P.S. I thought I put this quote in this blog post, but looking back I realized that I did not. Here is a quote I wanted to share from Snoopy (as in Snoopy from “Peanuts”). Do not judge me, I love Snoopy because he has some wise words for not just me, but for all of us. Here you go. “Keep looking up… that’s the secret of life…”

Update on Losing People

Hi everybody!!!! Here is that poem that I promised. I have already made a few tweaks to it (and I think it feels a little unfinished, but that is just my opinion). Here you go…

Losing You

Things were going as well
As they could go, but then you
Vanished like that. I did not want to dwell

On the past, but I had no clue
What you were doing to me.
You went ahead and threw

Me away like I meant nothing. We are free
From the burdens of it all and
You got what you wanted. Everything felt achy

And unreal. It was like every strand
Was coming undone. What we had
Slipped through our fingers like sand.

I did not know it would be this bad.
We both knew that this would take place.
I cannot sit here and be sad.

I will not forget your face
No matter how much I try to let it fade.
There is nothing between us but space.

I will try to be happy as I bade
You and everything we had goodbye.
I still would never trade

Those memories away. I have to try
To move on and be a better person.
I cannot continue to ask why

You went away. You had to run
Away for whatever reason.
You told me to never stop chasing the sun.

You have left me with a leaden
And heavy heart. The worry
That I was losing you left me broken

And hopeless. I am sorry
For whatever we did to each other.
I could not plea

With you anymore. The answer
Was not there. You were gone.
Everything became a blur.

You told me to move on
Without you and I am finally
Doing that. I got

That part down. I want you here badly
But you do not and will not
Hold that key.

Losing People

This is one difficult thing to talk about. I know I have lost people (like family and friends) because they died or moved away or we just drifted apart. There are also those people who just walk out on us and do not always give us an explanation or a reason why they left. And to be honest sometimes I do the same to other people too (I try not to, but it is sometimes difficult not to do that). It just happens that way sometimes. Loss is hard, especially if that person meant a lot to you and you have no idea what went wrong. Not every relationship is perfect. We all fight with loved ones on daily basis.

I have said that people go in and out of our lives all the time. All we can do is remember the people we lost (and eventually make amends with those people later down the line if life happens that way)  or we can just move on. That is one thing I am constantly learning. It is better to not dwell on the people and things that leave your life for no reason. Those people and things do not and should not matter to you anymore. They do not deserve your time or energy anymore. They have their own problems or issues and they do not involve you anymore. It is mostly different for people who have died (there is nothing we could do about that). I am not focusing on that aspect of this whole loss topic.

This poem (once I get it all finalized and a little bit more polished) is dedicated to all the people that I have lost and for those who are strong enough to make it through without those people in their lives. I know we want to try to get those people back, but it is not always necessary to do so. I have been realizing (especially with a more recent situation when someone left my life) that it is more on their end and not on yours. In other words, do not blame yourself and let them deal with what they need to deal with. I promise my readers that I will get that poem up and running in another post within these next few days (I promise).

No Assumptions and No Judgements

Hey everybody, I know that it has been a while. I am forever thankful for my parents for instilling in us (as children) valuable lessons and things to always remember. One of the things my parents have taught me (and I am sure most of your parents’ have talked to you about this too). That is to never judge or make assumptions about people. I  know it is hard to do that (especially if those people treat you bad). However if you really sit and think about it, people make judgments and assumptions about you too. What I am saying is that it goes both ways. So it should not matter about where we come from or what we look like or how we act. We all have bad days and sometimes because of that we treat other people (and ourselves) badly.

My point is to never judge anybody before you really get to know them. This goes out to all of the people who make assumptions and judgments about me because they do not know the real me. They think they do, but they do not know my story. I dislike people who think I am better than them just because I am white and come from a middle class family. So what? I do not try to judge other people because their story and background is different than mine. We all are on different paths and journeys in life. That is just the way it is. The last thing I want to do is to look down upon anybody. That is not my job. I have been thinking about this topic, partially because Demi talks about it in her book.

I am not saying that there are days where I do not do it, but I try my best. I just hope everybody else (including you, my readers) to do the same. This is my way of getting onto the same level as everybody else, including some of those people who treat me like I am something special all the time when I know I am not. I know that is a harsh thing to say but I am tired of people treating me like I am something that should not get broken when I know I am far from perfect. So thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson and for treating me like I actually mean something to you, but enough is enough. This is for you! Friends, ex lovers, current lovers and everybody else: you are never alone.

No Assumptions

You put me up high on

A pedestal so you cannot reach me

Like I am a delicate China doll

Or a valuable piece of art.

I wish you could see

It in your heart that we are

On the same level. Although

I may seem beautiful, amazing

And flawless I am not.

Just because I may

Come from a “privileged”

Background with everything

Provided for me like a roof

Over my head and food on

The table does not mean

I am not like you. Although

We have different skin colors

And different ways of living,

Deep down we are more similar

Than you realized. Although

You think highly of me and that

I’m too “good” for you to be

With you, then you are wrong.

It does not matter that you are

Working a minimum wage job.

I am trying to juggle

As I struggle just like you

To make it through life.

Although you may think my life

Is good, it is not always as grand

As you make it out to be.

You may say my parents are

Supportive and I am lucky to be

Living at home. It is not to say

I am spoiled or live in a mansion.

It is because it is hard

Living on my own

With no job. It is because

The rent is through the roof.

I am figuring out the rest

Of my life just like you.

Let us keep our promise

Of no judgment and let me

Decide for myself if I should

Be around. I am never the one

To judge and make assumptions,

So I hope that you do the same.